Friday, August 19, 2011

More honest than I am comfortable being.

Call it wanderlust, discontent, restlessness, immaturity or just plain covetousness; whatever it is, I have been fighting it since the day I was born. I have always had a hard time being happy with where, what, or who I am at the present.

Our friends moved to Abu Dhabi this summer. I want to move to Abu Dhabi! I watched "The Best Thing I Ever Ate". I want to taste a chocolate truffle from that confectioner in Chicago! I just read Liz's blog. I want to make lemonade with lemons from the tree outside my bungalow!

It isn't a very attractive trait, it is ungrateful and selfish and spoiled and when people discover this about me I feel very superficial and small. In some ways this trait has been good because it has made me reach for more and push myself when I don't know that I would have otherwise. Mostly though, it has just made me feel dissatisfied and unhappy and I am sorry about that. It is particularly ugly and unfair when you are my husband and are forever trying to please someone who refuses to be truly happy.

I am saying this now because for the first time in my life I feel content. Yes, I'd love to do all the things I just mentioned but I no longer feel despondent and depressed because I don't get to do those things. Maybe it is because everything I've ever wanted is within my reach now. Maybe it is because I'm 42 and I'm more mature. Maybe it is because I feel like things in my life are in order. I am even willing to admit that it is just because we have a pool in the back yard. Maybe it is a little bit of all of these things.

The other day I was reading about Jordan's trip to Greece. "I want to go to Greece!" I whined. "I know," Paul said, "but in the mean time, how about if I just give you a great life where you have everything you've always wanted and other things you never dreamed of?"

"You already gave me one of those!"

I love you Paul. I'm so glad you're coming home today.

*photo by Speckle Of Dirt


Salem said...

I'm glad I am not alone.

Jill from Killeny Glen said...

Well, this was incredibly insightful and may I venture to say that I think many of us are like this? I too am coming to a POINT of contentment! (A LONG time coming sister!) I have it good! But, sometimes I want to go to Greece too!!! ;)
So happy to visit! I will be back! Thanks for coming to The Glen!

Mindi said...

rachel! what i love about you most is that you would totally write about this--

i think each and every one of us is like this, but most won't admit it. i LOVE shallow, selfish and superficial things. who doesn't? I WANT A POOL IN MY BACKYARD! but i'm thrilled that you finally have that--and you SHOULD. (btw: I WANT TO DO JORDAN'S TRIP TO GREECE! but i've missed my 'move to paris for 18 months' window. :()

Tanna at The Brick Street Bungalow said...

I love that you are finding contentment, Rachel. It took me a long time, too. I think that may be one of our greatest challenges... at least for some of us. ;)

Saw where you had visited Jill. She is one of my favorites.

blessings ~ tanna