Thursday, April 14, 2011


I talked about how protected I felt in the days and weeks following the funerals and burial of our Joshua. I remember being in my mom's kitchen a couple of days after the second funeral. I said, "Mom, I feel so good, like I am walking through a cloud. I don't even feel sad. Maybe this won't be as hard as I thought it would." She looked disheartened and said with compassion but reality in her voice , "Oh Rachel, I hope you're right but I think you have some very dark days ahead of you."

Two or three weeks later we left St. George and flew back to Ft. Hood. Jim DeMoss picked us up at the airport, drove us home and made sure we were settled before leaving us.

My routine before bed was to go around and check all the doors to make sure they were locked and then turn on the soft light above the stove so I could see what I was doing when I made a bottle for the baby in the middle of the night.

That first night back, I checked all of the locks and I turned on the light over the stove. Then, realizing, I turned the light off. I walked back through the dark house and went to bed.

Paul held me while I cried and I began my descent.