R-Eight

A Little Memory of Grandpa Stanley

2012-02-08T11:48:00.008-06:00

The first half of my senior year I lived with my Uncle Mark and Aunt Robin. I attended El Dorado High School in Placerville, California and while I was there I was cast in a play called ‘The Dining Room’. My Grandma and Grandpa Stanley drove from San Carlos to see me in the play.

At one point in the visit we all stood in the driveway talking. Mark and Robin, Grandma and Grandpa Stanley and me. I think Aaron was running around chasing a ball or something.

My grandpa stood next to me. While everyone talked my grandpa took a small step toward me and nudged me with his hip. It was a small movement; I don’t think anyone else even noticed. I didn’t look at him but I smiled and nudged him back. He smiled and he didn’t move away from me. We stood there a little closer to each other and listened to the others until we all went into the house.

I don't remember Grandpa Stanley ever being any more demonstrative than that, except maybe for a quick hug when we arrived for or departed from, our annual visits.

It might seem unimportant but that moment shaped me. In that moment, I knew my grandfather knew me and kept track of me, I knew he loved me and we both knew that we belonged to each other.

What did you do yesterday?

2012-01-25T13:51:00.011-06:00

This is what I did.

I made this quilt. Did you hear me? I made it in one day! I'm still feeling a little high because I don't think I have ever made a quilt from start to finish in one day. Okay, I'll be honest, I already had the little pinwheels. They were left over from a quilt I made for my sister. But other than that, I cut it, pieced the front, pieced the back, quilted it, bound it and I did it all in about 7 hours. I'm feeling kind of awesome.

Isn't it cute?

The pale grouchy child holding the quilt is Sara who is not feeling well and home from school.

#2 of 20 Linked Ribs

2012-01-24T10:17:00.006-06:00

They're afraid you'll knit an Afghan.

2012-01-18T10:33:00.007-06:00

The zillions of different patterns that can be knitted are intriguing to me, so I am knitting a sampler afghan with 20 different squares to teach myself some of them, well, 20 of them. This is the first square, it's called 'Diagonals'.

I am using this box of 101 different pattern cards as my inspiration.

~Why don't the airlines like you to take knitting needles onto an airplane?~

24 years

2012-01-16T09:38:00.004-06:00

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Oh how incredibly lucky I am!

I love you Paul and I'll miss you when you're in Japan.

Hurry home.

Closure, for lack of a better word.

2012-01-12T12:07:00.012-06:00

There was a definite end to my grieving. Although I didn't recognize it until a few weeks later, I know the moment it happened. Afterward, I accepted my loss and was able to move forward. I wasn't in survival mode anymore. I felt motherhood calling me back to Robin and Paul. When I played with them, I wasn’t just going through the motions. I put thought into our meals. I cleaned the house. I got Robin ready for kindergarten and took Pauly for walks around the neighborhood.

A high school friend Angie Giles sent me this article a few months ago. She and I have discussed loss, grief and closure on and off over the past year or so. I have been thinking about closure ever since she sent the article.

I don’t know that I have ever believed in closure, the way it is usually used. Yes, I moved on. Yes, the pain grew to be less and less in the everyday. But closure? On what? It sounds so final.

Joshua would be 17 today. He would be a senior and would have been driving for a year now. That means I wouldn't be driving to seminary every morning. I wonder what scars he would have added to our van. He and Dan would be sharing a high school and a room. He would probably have asked for some video game or a cool phone for his birthday. Would he have a job? I wonder what he would request for dinner tonight.

It has also been 15 years (last week) since my dad died. Because he was apart of my life so much longer, I am reminded of him even more often than I am reminded of Joshua. A certain color yellow, the sound of a VW engine, books that I saw on his night stand, a bald head, a round belly, when my brothers lick their bottom lip, when I close my right eye in the sun, when I teach my children to dive like he taught me. "Now lean over and let your body drop in. Your hands touch the water first, then the top of your head, then everything else." I miss my dad.

Where I wonder about Joshua’s life and sort of stick him in where I think he might fit, I really don't know. On the other hand, I recognize what my dad is missing and what he would love.

I wish he could see his sons and the courageous, smart and interesting choices they've made. He would be so proud of each of them. Seeing them do the things that they love while providing for their families, that would have brought him great joy.

I wish he could see what Gabby and Jordan have done with their blogs. He would be over the moon seeing what they've been able to accomplish and you can bet he would have spent some time in France over the past year. I wish he was going to ALT next week; Sara always threw Dad for a loop and I think Alt would blow his mind.

Oh! How I wish I could have sent him Robin’s article on Monday; I wish he could know all his grand children. I wish he could Skype with them. Man! Wouldn't he have loved that! “Grampa, go put on shirt.”

I wish he could use an iPhone among a zillion other things.

So closure, what does it mean? Is it real or does it just need a new definition? Does it mean we stop loving those we've lost? Or is it just the end of our grieving and the acceptance of our loss? Does it mean that we don’t think of them often? Or does it just mean that we get to a point where we can move on, continue to grow and learn without those people in our lives?

My opinion is that we need a different word. Although I was able to close the door on my grieving and go back to my life, my grief has never completely left me. I still have moments of deep sorrow but I'm not driven to distraction, unable to think about anything else like in those first terrible months. I certainly never closed the door on my feelings for those I love and when we see each other again, I'm sure we will continue pretty much where we left off.

Now who’s going to break it to dad that he missed out Craig’s List?

Robin Bobin Beautiful and Lovely

2012-01-10T13:53:00.006-06:00

So yesterday was a big day! Robin wrote her first article as a reporter for the Daily Universe, which is the campus newspaper for BYU. She reported on a fireside at BYU Sunday Evening. You can read it here. It might not be the most exciting subject but it is well written and we are so proud of her!

As it was also the eve of her 21st birthday, I couldn't help thinking about all that she has accomplished. I smiled as I thought about those moments of learning and growth that sometimes only I was privy to.

Did you know that Robin taught herself how to read?

She was a little over 3 and 1/2 and she was sitting in the living room in our little apartment near Ft. Benning. She was coloring in a coloring book that Grandma Stanley had given her with ABC's and pictures that went with each letter. I was in the kitchen making dinner and I heard her say, "Ball, ba-ba-ba ball. Mom, does ball start with B?" I stopped what I was doing and I excitedly answered, "Yes!" Taking advantage of the moment we sat down and I showed her how the letters stood for sounds. I couldn't wait to tell her dad and call the grandparents! I don't think any of them were as excited as I thought they should be but I knew it was red letter day.

After that she figured most of it out by herself. Once in while she would be stuck and ask me something like, "What does thumb start with?"

About six months later we had moved to Ft. Hood. We drove past a "LOVES" gas station. I heard her say, "Love-s loves!" Again, "Yes! that says Loves!" She was reading words!

When she started kindergarten, I was concerned that she would be bored as she was already reading short chapter books. Her wonderful teacher, Mrs. Davis called all the parents the day or two before school started to talk with them and take care of any concerns the parents or teach might have about the kids. I told her what I worried about. She said kindly, "Well, sometimes we think they are reading but they have just memorized their favorite books." I answered that Robin read verses from the scriptures before bed. She laughed and said, "That's reading!" Robin was well taken care of and wasn't bored for even one minute during her time in Mrs. Davis' class.

I could go on and on but I won't, at least not right now.

We are so proud of you Robin and the woman you are becoming. This is an exciting year as you begin your work as journalism major and car owner. I know you will continue to blow my mind with how brilliant you are and give me many more opportunities to brag about you. I love you my girl and I'm so glad you born! xoxo

Update

2012-01-09T13:49:00.001-06:00

A couple of the things I wanted to do at the new year were to blog more consistently and also make some changes and to move to Wordpress. I thought it would be much simpler and quicker than it has been. I am slogging through though and will be up and running soon I hope.

Wish me luck.

Vanity, Aging and Jan Brady

2011-10-20T08:30:00.007-05:00

I really don't think of myself as vain. Actually other than the 30 minutes I spend getting ready for the day, I don't really think much about how I look. In fact I'm a little put out when I accidentally see myself in the mirror in the middle of the day and think to myself that I really should go and put on some lipstick or redo my hair. Don't get me wrong, I can be very narcissistic and selfish, those things just manifest themselves in other ways.

I guess I like how I look, since I really couldn't do a lot about my facial features, I have just always accepted them. I do like my large eyes. I like that they are so expressive. I have a big nose but it hasn't ever really bothered me. I have a large wide smile that I know is friendly. Big eyes, big nose, big mouth, that pretty much sums me up.

I also have freckles. I do love freckles across the tops of little noses. It isn't that I liked or don't like mine, they were just a part of my face so I accepted them. I remember when Jan Brady put lemon juice on her freckles to get rid of them and I thought that was strange. I must admit that I do feel self-conscious about my teeth (I wish they were straighter) but the only times I really think about them is when I am getting my picture taken.

So, a few of weeks ago as I was getting ready for church and I saw some, well, I guess they are age spots, on my cheek. (think large faint freckles) What?! Age spots? This discovery has kind of thrown me for a loop but have been unsure why. I mean I had no problem telling my hairdresser I didn't want to color my hair even though I've got some noticeable gray. I can also see lines around my eyes that weren't there a few years ago, that hasn't bothered me either. Why then are these age spots bugging me so much?

Maybe I've always taken my clear skin for granted. Maybe because the lines and the gray came on so gradually, it hasn't been shocking. Maybe I was just surprised. And, well, maybe I am vainand just never thought so before now. I still only think about it during that mirror time in the morning but I think about it almost everyday. Hm, well, I hope I don't sound too whiny, I really just wanted to journal this unexpected event.

When I showed Paul the spots on my cheek, he told me that they made me look distinguished. :)

"What can I do?"

2011-10-18T08:00:00.005-05:00

Joshua and Pauly at the Steeds.

This is one of the pictures Sheri brought me.

I have great compassion for people but I don't have a talent for putting those feelings into practical actions. If we hadn't been forced down the road of loss when Joshua died, I still wouldn't have a clue where to start. I was amazed (I'm still amazed)at the thoughtful things people did for us. I wanted to share some of those things here partly as a way to show gratitude for the tremendous kindnesses people showed us and partly because I learned some very sweet lessons that might be a help someone out there.

Lesson: Money is a good thing to give.

I had no idea that people gave money at the time of a funeral. It felt crass to talk about something as pedestrian as money when we were dealing with this monumental shock and sorrow. The expenses of funeral arraignments, as well as estate settlement have been known to ruin people. We were young and naive and vulnerable and we were lucky to have people around us who looked out for us and helped us make good decisions.

Until we were dealing with Joshua’s funeral arrangements I didn’t know how expensive funerals are. Caskets, funeral directors, preparing and transporting the body, burial costs, headstone and that doesn’t count all the medical expenses that commonly accompany death. It is a very expensive time.

People were so good to us. Our parents bore the brunt of the expenses. Our bishop made sure we knew the resources of the fast offerings were at our disposal. I don’t remember everything but I think the church paid for the casket. Paul’s unit 2/5 Cav did a fund raiser to pay for our plane tickets to Utah. (I love that) The ward I grew up in took up a generous fund to help pay for things in St. George. My grandmother bought the headstone. I can not express the gratitude we felt for so much generosity.

The lesson: Your instincts and talents are the best way to bless those around you.

Something that always makes me smile is when I think about Ellen Keuhl calling me. She said apologetically, “Rachel, I don’t bake and I can’t take care of your kids but I am a really good shopper. Would you please let me buy you something to wear at the funeral?” It was a funny request and up until that moment I hadn’t really thought about what I would wear. I accepted her gracious offer partly because I didn’t know what else to say and partly because I didn’t think that I had anything suitable to wear.

She asked me for sizes and color preferences. She bought me the most beautiful dark green dress and black boots to go with it. It is in my closet next to my wedding dress. I don’t think I will ever get rid of it. I was stunned and so thankful when she also bought me another dress or two and several outfits, just because. Ellen also bought a dress for Robin to wear. How thankful I was that I didn’t have to worry about what to wear. I felt appropriate and more than presentable but most importantly, I could focus on the significant moments of the day.

Lesson: It might feel awkward. It might feel too practical. But it might be exactly what is needed.

I mentioned the book that Holly Glines Wilkinson made and brought to us. It was waiting on the entry table at my mom’s house when we arrived home from the burial and lunch. It is probably the most valuable thing we were given, mostly because of what it holds. It isn’t fancy, just a blue 3 ring binder with the picture from the funeral program in a plastic sleeve and extra plastic sleeves ready to be filled.

I have been so thankful for that binder.

Without it I would have 100 cards bound together with a rubber band sitting in a box somewhere. I would have lost important papers in stacks of unimportant papers; they would have been thrown away long ago. And what in the world would I have done with that lock of curly, soft, light brown hair the nurse took from the back of Joshua’s head? Because of Holly's thoughtfulness, I had a place for cards and letters, hospital records, organ donation letters, the headstone order information, and my memories of that day.

Do you think Holly has any idea what an ideal gift that was? Do you think she has any inkling of how precious that binder is to me? Do you think she knows that I think of her and her kindness every time I walk through my living room and see the blue binder sitting on the book shelf?

Lesson: Sometimes you will just know what to do.

Brother and Sister Calvert had been Robin and Paul’s nursery teachers at church. They loved my kids and my kids adored them right back. Brother Calvert found out the kids were at the Steeds where they were staying while we were at the hospital. He went to see them on his lunch hour and just played with them. He read to them and he wrestled with Paul. He knew their lives were about to change forever and he just wanted to be with them. Sheri tried to fix him lunch. He didn’t want it; he was just there to be with my children.

There is a special corner in my heart that will always be reserved for Brother Calvert. Is it even possible to repay such kindnesses?

Lesson: Remember the anniversary.

Sheri called or wrote to me the next two or three years either on Joshua’s birthday or near the anniversary of his death. Those first years were especially important but even now it is so touching to me when someone sends me a note/email/text in January telling me that we are on their mind. It is so comforting to know that someone else in the world acknowledges that something horrendous happened to us and that we are not alone. The idea that someone else is shouldering just a little bit of our pain, even now makes a difference.

Lesson: Help provide proof that the child existed.

When an adult dies, there is a lifetime of relationships, achievements and memories from those around them, that provide evidence that they spent time on this earth. When I child dies, other than grieving parents and siblings, there is little proof they were ever even here. Sheri found every picture of Joshua she had taken at her house at the park, during our Sunday dinners together. It may seem simple but it was huge to me, emotionally and psychologically.

Lesson: If at all possible, attend the funeral.

I can't seem to put into words the strength I gleaned from huge rooms full of people who dropped everything, stopped their lives and came to mourn with us at the funerals; many who traveled very far. During the darkest days of my grieving, when I was so alone in my sorrow, I drew great peace and comfort from the idea of being surrounded by all those people who loved me. People who I knew would have willingly taken the crushing weight from me, had that been possible, at least for a little while. Attending the funeral is important.

Lesson: Just do something.

Other generous things people did that we still remember and touch our hearts: Tammy Calvert brought me a book on grieving. She gave me her own copy, the one that had helped her through her loss when cancer took her 8 year old daughter. How precious that book is to me. Others brought different books, meals, flowers, plants. Ladies from church, cleaned our house. The Cloves offered my family hotel rooms in St. George. People wrote the most beautiful letters. My grandmother sent me funny cards throughout the year. I could go one and on.

This certainly isn't a complete list, in fact I have been slow to write this post because people were so good to us and I know, after 15 years I would probably miss something or someone. I am sorry if that is the case.

It was so strange to feel such intense grief and loss, and to feel such deep gratitude at the same time. Some of those feelings have never gone away.

Thank Mr. Jobs

2011-10-07T08:04:00.004-05:00

When he stepped down in August from his duties at Apple, I knew Steve Jobs was probably going to die soon but I was still surprised at how emotional I felt. Really? Tears for a man I never met?

I have such a special place in my heart for him though. I loved what Gabby wrote here and I can ditto everything she said. I loved reading the tributes and blogs and tweets about his life and his genius and that he was just a good person. The best thing about it is that everything I read or learned about him just made me like him even more. I think that is rare.

Usually, after someone of Steve Jobs' stature dies there are the tributes and then there are skeletons that come creeping out of the closets. That doesn't seem to be happening. The worst thing I've read about him is that he was hard to work for because he was so exacting and a perfectionist.

I love his life story. I love is philosophy on life. I love that his CEO salary from Apple was $1.00 annually.

His creations have had a direct impact on the Rodgers family. Of course we love iPods and iPhones and Apple TV and we are really excited for Santa to show up with an iPad or two this Christmas. And am I the only one who can't bring themselves to throw away the Apple packaging for months after I open something? It is so beautiful!

It was only 6 months ago that I learned that Steve Jobs was responsible for Pixar's continuation and survival. (The Pixar Story is a documentary and is on Netflix 'watch it now'.) If he did nothing else in his life, that alone was such an amazingly beautiful thing. I supposed that could be said for many of his endeavors, but those movies played in extremely important role in the childhood of each of my children. Because of that I have a particular love for them.

I've read many stories about Mr. Jobs, a majority of them in the last few days but this was the dearest to me: For all of his single-minded dedication to the company he built from the ground up, Jobs actually skipped a meeting to take Laurene on their first date: "I was in the parking lot with the key in the car, and I thought to myself, 'If this is my last night on earth, would I rather spend it at a business meeting or with this woman?' I ran across the parking lot, asked her if she'd have dinner with me. She said yes, we walked into town and we've been together ever since."

It came from this article.

All this to say that Steve Jobs will be missed and I believe that in 100 years people will still know who he was and what he was responsible for. He made The Rodgers' world a more beautiful place.

Doctors and Socks

2011-10-05T08:10:00.007-05:00

So last week was full of trips to dentists and doctors for check ups. I like doing them all at once so that I don't have to remember or think about any of it for at least 6 months. Plus I sort of get into an appointment making mood. I start calling about Dan's sports physical and I remember he needs a teeth cleaning and then I might as well do all the kids at once and while I'm at it, everyone needs haircuts . . . it just snowballs from there until my phone is beeping at me constantly, every day, for two weeks, getting me from one appointment to the next.

The point is that even though I don't have a lot to show for it, I got a lot done.

I did get these finished . . .

I actually started these way back in January. I chose this chunky yarn because it is thick and cotton and because it knits up fast so I get some immediate gratification. I was also trying to memorize the pattern. The socks are toasty and slouchy and perfect to wear around the house on a chilly morning.

These were knitted in Patagonia Nature Cotton by Araucania on size 6 circular needles, using the 'Chunky Cozy Cotton Sock' pattern from Knitting Circles Around Socks.

. . . and I started a new pair.

For these red and white socks, the yarn and needles are tiny so this pair is going to take me a while. A super accomplished knitter told me once that it takes her about 8 uninterrupted hours to knit one pair of socks. I guess I have something to shoot for.

Slideshow and Book Club and What I Learned

2011-09-26T08:35:00.007-05:00

I finished that . . .

This was my favorite picture in the slideshow. I found this photographer's photos really fascinating.

Photographer: Alix Malka

So last week I finished putting together the sideshow for Kirtsy.com which was so much fun. I found so many great pictures it was hard to whittle them down to the 15-20 that they wanted. The best part was that I learned more about how to manipulate pictures and text from the internet.

. . . and I started this.

Last week I started a neighborhood book club. I noticed that there are quite a few people home during the day and I have been wanting an excuse to get to know our neighbors better. I actually planned to start it when school started at the beginning of August but I have been a big scaredy cat. I made myself print them up last week. I'm cheap and I hate to waste ink so I knew I was committing myself to that date. Once they were printed I would be forced to hand them out in a timely manner.

Because we've only met a few of our neighbors briefly, I was so nervous about how I would be recieved but off I went. I received lots of different reactions.

Surprise "Oh! What a good idea!"

Suspicion, "I'm not going to buy anything."

Rejection, *hands me back the invitation* "I have chemical allergies, I can't be with groups of people." (I wonder if I could set her up on Skype?)

Mostly graciousness, "I love this!" "I'll be there." "What can I bring?" "Count me in."

True story: One of my neighbors has a long white beard and is named Santa Claus. He showed me his drivers licence. :)

I headed out the door so nervous but it ended up being a lovely evening visiting with my whole street.

Underwater with Kirsty.com

2011-09-24T08:22:00.006-05:00

Every morning my Sara and Gloria run downstairs and the first thing they say is, "What's on Kirtsy?"

Gabby, who is one of the three geniuses behind Kitsy.com, was kind enough to let me try to curate the slide-show for today. Check it out here.

It was so much fun to think of a theme and then search for cool pictures to share. I really loved doing it and I learned a ton.

I hope she will let me do it again.

*image by Dustin Humpfrey

More Honesty

2011-09-23T05:43:00.008-05:00

When I was at Josh and Erin's a couple months ago I was getting ~~Brian~~ Julian up from a nap and I was dismayed to see this quilt that I made for one of their kiddos. I'm guessing that is was Colin but I'm not sure. I was so dismayed I had to concentrate to not cry.

Anyway, it is beautiful. I used blue scraps of fabric that I had left over from past quilts and projects. I used a pattern that I had seen earlier. I liked it because it was simple and wasn't different variations of squares which gets tiresome to me. I love the stippling that I did for the quilting. It is playful and busy and offsets the sharp angles of the design.

Are you wondering why it brought me to tears? I am ashamed to say that when I thought of that quilt, I remembered it being hokey and amateurish. I remembered that I wasn't happy with my choices of blue fabric but that they were all I had. I remember that I had trouble with my machine and wasn't happy with how the quilting turned out. I remember hurriedly finishing the binding so that Josh could take it with him when he stopped at our house in Kansas on his way to New York.

When I saw it again, I was just sick. How could I have remembered it so differently? Why am I so critical of my work? Why do I always think someone somewhere is doing the same thing better than me?

I have been thinking about this for a couple of months now, I hate that I have so many memories like this one. I remember an event/project/time as unpleasant and then find out later that it was really lovely. I also have many thoughts running around my head about why but I won't bother with those.

Normally, I would stress about this until it was unhealthy but I am trying to make some changes in how I deal with this kind of thing. So this is how I am going to move forward.

*Post Edit

I have been thinking about a conversation I had with Jared about his wife Liz several years ago.

Me: Liz is amazing! I can't believe everything that she can do and does so well.

Jared: Yeah, she's great. You know what else? When she does something and it doesn't work out, she doesn't dwell on it. She just learns what she can and moves on to the next thing.

Me: You mean she doesn't fret and worry about the mistake and beat herself up for weeks?! Again, amazing!
In my next life I am determined to come back as one of my sisters-in-law. . . um . . . I mean . . . I will just make ~~better~~ different choices when it comes to husbands.

First, I am to keep a quilting, knitting, cake, project journal; it will include my original vision and a picture of the finished project, as well as sketches, dates and names. I went to a photography workshop recently where the teacher walked us through her creative process and it was fascinating to me. I wish I had a record of my own. I think If I do that I will be forced to remember things correctly.

Second, I am going to be positive and not so critical about what I do and what I have to offer. I will focus on the positive side of things, ie: how I adjusted and adapted to make the project work and how well it turned out, instead of what went wrong and how different it is from my original idea.

Third, I am going to trust my own judgement. In the past I have been so worried about failing that I would paralyze myself then I would run my idea through two or three people thinking that would get my courage up. Three things happened when I did that. 1) I would get talked out of it altogether. 2) I end up with a product I don't like because I changed it to please others. And 3) I didn't learn anything because I didn't work through my own process. I loved this blog post discussing how to master a skill. He says mostly, "do it, practice it, and then do it some more."

I have been doing this for a while now and I feel liberated. I will keep you posted on my progress, I know you'll be glued to your computer chairs waiting.

Sit up straight!

2011-09-22T13:06:00.005-05:00

Rachel, I dare you to find a 20 year old, less than flattering picture of you and a bunch of friends where every single person is slouching.

An Open Letter to Myself

2011-09-20T09:36:00.007-05:00

St. George Dance Festival with Mitchell Blake who was kind enough to be my partner.

Is it safe yet to admit how much that I LOVED wearing this dress?

Dear 14 year old Rachel,

I'm so happy for this opportunity, I hope that what I tell you will be well received. Don't get wrapped up about how this is possible, I don't really understand it myself. It has something to do with a flux capacitor. Actually, you aren't going to get that reference because that movie isn't coming out for a couple more years. Sorry.

First of all, Relax. Don't worry and don't panic when things don't go as planned. Things will work out, and usually better than if they had gone the way you planned them. Also, you are mean when you get stressed out. Don't do that. Being stressed out doesn't give you permission to be a jerk. You look like a moron and are always sorry later.

Spend time with your dad.

Never let a curly blond hairstylist cut your hair. Just trust me.

Find the good in each season of your life. Wonderful or terrible, comfortable or trying, it is just a season.

Learn stuff. I know that formal education isn't working for you right now. Talk to your parents about an alternative, they will be more open to the idea than you think. I know you already love to read but read even more. You'll be glad you did.

Drink some caffeine before you read or when you need to concentrate. You'll understand why later.

Be generous. I know you don't feel like you have a lot to give right now but you do. Use your sense of humor to put people at ease, not to cut and hurt. Sarcasm might make you feel clever in the moment but it is not generous and will never, ever make you feel proud of yourself.

You are good at noticing what people need emotionally. Tell people the nice things that you think about them. A sincere compliment is always appropriate.

Buy Apple/Mac stock but not until 1997.

You're beautiful and smart. Don't believe that crap you keep telling yourself when you look in the mirror.

Most people are good, some are not. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Last, I know you dream about that knight in shining armor and wonder if he is really out there somewhere. Don't worry, he is. You'll find each other and it will be great. You'll know as soon as you see him. Trust yourself, trust him. Don't listen to those who are discouraging to the two of you. Not only do they not know what they are talking about. They are just plain wrong. And just so you know, he is even better than what you imagine he will be. He is going to save you.

Have fun and don't worry so much. There is so much good ahead of you! Enjoy it!

I'll see you in about 28 years.

Love,

42 year old Rachel

Start and Finish

2011-09-14T11:01:00.011-05:00

So one of the things Regina taught me when I was working at Rose Path, is to have several different projects going at once. That went against my nature or maybe my training; I really thought I should finish one project before I started another. Regina's reasoning was that she would just get sick and tired of looking at the same stuff for weeks on end. I thought about the endless projects that I had grown bored with and never finished. I had to concede that I hadn't been very successful with my way of doing things.

Now I too have several projects going at a time. It is so refreshing to be able to put down what I am working on and pick up and work on something else that I like equally well.

This summer I am afraid I went a little overboard however, I started one project after another, a quilt, another quilt, an afgahn, a scarf, a pair of socks, a hat, skirts for the girls, projects for the house as well as other projects that were begun in Texas. Almost all, I am afraid to report, sit unfinished in my quilt room. Last week I decided that I needed to get to work on all these projects because frankly when there are that many, it is just depressing.

My new rule: Rachel is not allowed to begin a new project until another project is completed.

This is a problem because this week the weather has cooled off considerably and fall is in the air. On top of that I have been planning our Christmas trip so I have the holidays on my my mind too. I keep thinking of projects I want to begin or go shopping for but I stop myself.

Holding myself to my new rule, instead going shopping or trolling the internet for the Christmas quilt pattern I have in my head, I have been working feverishly on several things. I showed you the pair of socks that I finished last week.

I am halfway through the second sock on this pair too. I should have this finished in the next day or two.

I also finished giving this swing, we inherited with the house, a cheery makeover. What do you think? We talked about throwing it out but $20 in stripey outdoor fabric, a trip to Target for clearance cushions and 3 cans of spray paint later I think it's really fun and good as new.

To keep myself on the straight and narrow, I am going to be reporting on projects I have begun and others that I have finished. Your job is to tell me how wonderful I am every time I show you a finished project. You have permission to lie to protect my feelings.

Five Things Michael Phelps and I Have in Common

2011-09-13T11:06:00.007-05:00

1. We both swam competitively in high school.

2. Both of our first names end in 'L'.

. . . that was all I could think of.

Every morning since school started, I have been getting up, getting Dan off to seminary and then swimming laps in our pool. I swim 60 laps, 20 backstroke, 20 freestyle and 20 breaststroke, it takes me just over 30 minutes. I love it.

I love how my toes scrap a little and how the water rushes along my body as I first kick off the wall. I am always the most comfortable swimming a freestyle stroke and I love watching the bubbles that stick to my fingertips as I stroke. I love the stiffness of my arms and the drips on my face when my arms come straight up out of the water as I do the back stroke. I love the reach and pull and my head being forced out of the water when I do the breaststroke.

I love how graceful and beautiful my body feels when I move in the water. I have to say it is a little intoxicating to me, especially when I haven't swam in a long time.

I also find myself thinking some of the same things every morning. As I get into the pool, I hear my parents telling me, "Never, ever swim alone!" I always feel a little guilty. My next thought is of the time dad came in the house bleeding from his head. He had been swimming and had miscalculated and hit the side of the pool, hard. They called us together and used that as a good lesson on why you should never, ever swim alone. What if he had been knock out? He could have drowned! It was a good lesson, it has definitely stayed with me.

I think of our coach (Sara or Josh, do you remember his name?) telling me he didn't want to see my chin come out of the water when I did the breaststroke. I still notice anytime it does.

I also think of my dad doing the butterfly. I loved how powerful and strong his shoulders looked as he broke the surface of the pool. Once in a while I think I want to teach myself the butterfly stroke. I try it and almost the moment I start, I remember that there are only a few things in the world that make me look like a bigger dork so I stop and go back to being graceful and beautiful again.

I get out of the pool feeling like I have worked every muscle in my body. I feel completely spent and energized at the same time and every morning I feel very, very lucky.

Another Pair of Socks . . . Finished!

2011-08-30T13:02:00.004-05:00

Actually, this isn't another pair of socks. To be honest, these are my very first pair of socks. I started them in the spring of 2010 but then I got going on The Quilt Room and put all the knitting aside. When we knew we were moving and I closed my little shop, I started knitting my socks again but I got halfway through the second sock and realized my sizes were off. Ugh!

I hated the idea that the socks weren't the same sizes but I couldn't bring myself to frog the second sock and start over again. So much work!! So there they sat, one and a half socks, in my knitting bag. I swear every time I looked at that bag those socks would flip me the bird.

I haven't been able to face doing any knitting this since we moved. There are lots of reasons why. It is hot. I am homesick for Rose Path. There is no one to help me when I mess up. There is no one to cheer for me when I am done. Finally, last week I grabbed my knitting bag on the way to piano lessons, which was my routine in Texas. As I looked at the different projects I had to choose from, those socks started cussing me out and making fun of me. They really hurt my feelings. I decided that I was going to finish them just as they are. If no one every wears them I don't' even care. I just want to stop thinking about them.

I finished them this morning. :)

Alright, which one of you was it?

2011-08-25T11:38:00.005-05:00

Some time this morning between the time I left to take Dan to seminary at 5:30am and the time that Paul left for work at 7:45am, someone planted an orange tree in our yard. I don't even have an inkling who it could have been.

I keep going outside to look at it and I can't help smiling.

What a lovely way to start the day.

More honest than I am comfortable being.

2011-08-19T13:23:00.002-05:00

Call it wanderlust, discontent, restlessness, immaturity or just plain covetousness; whatever it is, I have been fighting it since the day I was born. I have always had a hard time being happy with where, what, or who I am at the present.

Our friends moved to Abu Dhabi this summer. I want to move to Abu Dhabi! I watched "The Best Thing I Ever Ate". I want to taste a chocolate truffle from that confectioner in Chicago! I just read Liz's blog. I want to make lemonade with lemons from the tree outside my bungalow!

It isn't a very attractive trait, it is ungrateful and selfish and spoiled and when people discover this about me I feel very superficial and small. In some ways this trait has been good because it has made me reach for more and push myself when I don't know that I would have otherwise. Mostly though, it has just made me feel dissatisfied and unhappy and I am sorry about that. It is particularly ugly and unfair when you are my husband and are forever trying to please someone who refuses to be truly happy.

I am saying this now because for the first time in my life I feel content. Yes, I'd love to do all the things I just mentioned but I no longer feel despondent and depressed because I don't get to do those things. Maybe it is because everything I've ever wanted is within my reach now. Maybe it is because I'm 42 and I'm more mature. Maybe it is because I feel like things in my life are in order. I am even willing to admit that it is just because we have a pool in the back yard. Maybe it is a little bit of all of these things.

The other day I was reading about Jordan's trip to Greece. "I want to go to Greece!" I whined. "I know," Paul said, "but in the mean time, how about if I just give you a great life where you have everything you've always wanted and other things you never dreamed of?"

"You already gave me one of those!"

I love you Paul. I'm so glad you're coming home today.

*photo by Speckle Of Dirt

So it begins . . .

2011-08-18T09:05:00.003-05:00

I already wrote about this here.

Gloria has a sore throat and is a little bit pathetic but no fever so she is going to school.

Life Story

2011-08-14T17:20:00.007-05:00

I have loved making books from the blog posts that I have written. I really enjoy going back and reading details about the past four years, many detail that I have forgotten already. I love that other stories from my childhood have been recorded as well. Gabby's generosity has made it possible to put it all into books. To have these stories and records in one place and in a form I am proud of is a simple joy.

I was thinking about a class I was in recently, they were teaching to write a life story. One of the things the teach said was that the longer you wait to get started the more fuzzy details will be. I guess this is both a warning and a plea for help. As I write things specifically for my life story, if I remember things incorrectly, please feel free to let me know so I can make it right.

Back to School

2011-08-10T08:57:00.005-05:00

I can't believe that we are already into the new school year but here we are.

Terrible picture taken by mom at the last minute.

This year Gloria is in 4th grade, Sara is 6th grade and Dan is in 9th grade. They have all had a good first couple of days. Dan had a little bit of a crisis on day 1 when we couldn't find his ID but that all worked itself out. Everyone seems happy and I am happy to get back to a routine. Dan is going to try out for the golf team, if golf is not an option, cross country is his back up.

Here in Arizona, K thru 8th is in one building, I've never seen that before, and then the high school is separate. Even though I don't agree with some of the thinking that happens here in AZ, I have found that the way they approach education is very progressive and inclusive.

They work with homeschoolers to help them be successful. If you are unhappy with the schools you belong to (perhaps there isn't a strong band program) there is a window of opportunity each year for you to switch your kids to a school that will work better for your family. There are also many, many charter schools so that your kid who is a wiz at science will get a curriculum heavy on science. I think it's really innovative.

Most, if not all the places we've lived before, the rules and policies have been put in place for the benefit of teachers and administrators and they seem to be all about keeping both children and parents under control. Here, I feel like it is all about what is best for your kids and your family. I feel more freedom and in-turn I feel much more supportive and want to be more involved.

5 Surprises About Living in Surprise

2011-07-20T09:28:00.005-05:00

1~We live just 10 miles or so from Luke air Force Base and the fighter jets fly right over our neighborhood all day. I love it. They sound loud and powerful and I feel patriotic and safe when I hear them.

2~I knew we'd love the pool but I didn't know how much. I remember how much we used the pool in Riverside but those are childhood memories, so I wasn't sure how correct they were. Dan and Sara were already good swimmers but it has been particularly satisfying to see Gloria improve.

3~I didn't know how scared the swimming pool would make me. It is more stressful than I expected to have non-swimming children in my house. I am constantly checking the lock on the door, asking where the child is, looking out at the pool, fully preparing myself for something horrifying. I just didn't expect it.

Robin and Paul were just 2 and 3 when we took them to Lake Powell the first time. We made them wear ski vests 24 hours a day. I have considered making that a rule at the Rodgers' house. It is the end of the season and I can get several of those vests right now. What do you think?

4~I have loved the convenience of sending the kids down the street to the grocery store. The convenience comes just short of having another driver in the house. I love having so much shopping right around the corner.

5~Betsy is our sweet dog. She had a full half acre to run and hunt and play in while we lived in Lindale. Here, there is much less space and I was worried that she would be bored and then get into trouble. Not only has she adapted well, she loves going running or skateboarding with Dan.

Overall we are settling in, getting ready for school to start in just a couple of weeks. Because we moved here when school had just gotten out, and the neighborhood has fewer children than we expected, the kids have only had me and each other as entertainment and frankly, we've spent waaaaay too much time together this summer. We are all looking forward to school starting.

We Love Harry!

2011-07-12T08:49:00.015-05:00

We first heard about Harry Potter when we lived in Mannheim. Robin and Paul were about 7 and 8, I guess. I was always looking for books to read to my kids and our neighbor and dear friend Anne Bridgewater suggested a book called Harry Potter. She lent us their copy and we fell in love. Not only was it fun to read it was new and refreshing and exciting and dangerous and silly. What fun to find out that another one was going to be released in just a few months!

We couldn't wait until the next one came out and then the next one and the next one. We would buy the latest copy as soon as it was available and then I would spend the next day or two reading it to the kids as fast as I could. "Will you read some more when we're done with this?" "Just one more chapter?" I loved that. It was one of the first times I connected with Robin and Paul on a grown up level.

I would read it out loud once. The kids read them again by themselves. Robin and Paul loved these books so much and read and reread them and reread them again. Their discussions were peppered with references to something Harry or Dumbledore or Ron said or did. After a while I felt like all they ever talked about or read was Harry Potter so I gathered them up and made them read the Sorcerer's Stone in German before they could read it in English again. Because they practically had them memorized, I didn't think it would be that difficult. Yes, we still have the German one around here somewhere.

Below is what it looked like in Germany. I think it is interesting that they used different cover art for different countries.

When the 5th and 6th ones came out we bought two copies (actually, I think Grandma Gloria bought the 5th ones for them) because they were not going to wait for me to read it and I didn't want to hear the two of them fight over who was reading it first. When the last one was released I just bought one. I figured they were old enough to share and well . . . I'm cheap. Robin just confessed to me that she faked being sick so she could stay home from church and read for three and a half hours uninterrupted.

As we each finished the last installment of the Harry Potter series the feeling in our house was bittersweet. It was so wonderful to have something like this to share and look forward to and now, it was over. The fun continued although not at the same level, as the movies were each released.

The excitement about the very last Harry Potter movie (two more days!) has hit a fever pitch around here. The majority of the last week has been spent reading Harry Potter books, watching Harry Potter movies, learning Hedwig's Theme on the piano and making these shirts.

We used Liz's instructions. I have been wanting to do this since she made the one below. How cute is my Nephew?!

We printed seven shirts. The funnest part of making the shirts was coming up with what to put on them. Having only read the books once, I was amazed at the details the kids remembered.

A few that didn't make the cut (mostly because they were just too long):

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good
Do you want to see my magic wand?
DA Dumbledore's Army
Dumbledore is my Homeboy
My other ride is a firebold/hippogriff
I survived Potions with Snape
Lumos! or other spells
Team Griffendor

I love how they turned out. Thanks Liz!

Happy

2011-07-08T08:24:00.005-05:00

It has been such a lovely week with Robin here. It is so nice to have her in the house. I adore the woman she is becoming and am so excited to see how things develop over the next two or three years for her.

Pauly leaves for Mexico on Monday. I am happy and anxious for him.

I had a fun birthday, shopping with Robin and celebrating with my family. My favorite gift? An underwater camera. We've been having so much fun with it. Thank you for all the birthday wishes, I was a little overwhelmed.

I am feeling grateful and happy.

In the Southern Part of the 45th State . . .

2011-06-27T17:10:00.003-05:00

I'm in St. George this week to help watch Josh and Erin's kiddos and to hangout with my Robin.

Have a great week!

Comfort, Peace and a Poem

2011-06-22T05:04:00.001-05:00

We all are here

Father, mother, sister brother

All who hold each other dear

Each chair is filled

We're all at home

We're all, all here

Sheri Steed recited this poem at Joshua's first funeral.

When Joshua died I took comfort in the ideas and beliefs I was taught all my life. I'd like to share a few of those things with you today.

First, the relationships we experience in our families are eternal, meaning they are unending. Those relationships began before we came here to this life and will continue long after we die.

Second, just like when I was born, when I die many loved ones will be there to welcome me and to help me.

Third, I will see my dad and Joshua as well as others whom I love and there will be hugs and kisses and tears of joy at these reunions.

And last, one day after our deaths, Paul and I will be reunited and all who are dear to us will be there and we will be able to say with a satisfaction that only separation can produce, and just like the poem,

". . . each chair is filled, we're all at home, we're all, all are here."

King of the Mountain

2011-06-20T09:25:00.003-05:00

So I woke up Saturday morning itching for a change of scenery. Paul was at drill in Utah and the kids and I just needed something to do to pass the time and I wanted it to be free. I had found a couple of hikes but everything I saw seemed more rugged than what I was thinking of. I finally found a great place called South Mountain Park and Reserve. I packed the kids up, sprayed some sunscreen at them and off we went.

When we got there however, I could see that our flip flops were not going to be adequate for the trails. I was disappointed but I thought we should just check things out for next time. As we drove around, following maps and looking at signs to get our bearings, we found that we could drive to the peak of South Mountain. We got out up there and hiked around for a little while. I loved it. Betsy was happy too.

We found a trail so we can hike to that same spot and we are planning to do that next week.

Jared sent me this site. (Thanks J.R.) That site turned me on to even more sites and I have been excitedly researching the summits in the area that are kid friendly. I've found six so far. Phoenix was built in a valley so there are hills and mountains completely surrounding us so we have lots of choices.

I've missed having hills and mountains to hike.

The best part of the day? I texted Becky and Ronnie and asked them if we could come over and say hi. They said yes. We just stayed for an hour or so but the kids had so much fun we were already making plans for our next get-togethers. Dan ended up staying for the day and his dad picked him up when he got home from Utah that night.

It was a good day.

Red

2011-06-17T04:11:00.002-05:00

I love this picture from our trip to NYC. I miss Regina.

A Snapshot in a Blue Box

2011-06-15T05:53:00.010-05:00

I never plan it but it seems like at some point during each move I will find myself alone in my room and tired of unpacking when I discover the blue box with the green lid, labeled 'Joshua'. I see it at the bottom of a moving box and I pull it out and sit on the bed and go through it, touching each item and remembering. A snapshot of our life, January 1996.

This move was no different.

The inventory of the box is short and simple:

There are several little outfits that I loved to dress him in. I have little memories of him in each one. They are all unfolded. That surprises me every time, but I don't fold them when I put them back.
There are two soft puffy white shoes that he wore before he could walk.
The big blue bow that was on his casket. It's crushed and ugly now. Even though I think it is a little morbid to keep it and I am never happy to see it, I don't throw it away.
There are also a few toys; some round bath toys that made him laugh when I would drop them into the tub. You know that guttural, no holds barred, baby laugh that you never get tired of? That laugh. Those toys make me smile.
A Buzz Light-Year puppet from Burger King. His first Christmas was the year that Toy Story came out and along with lots of other puppets, Robin and Paul were given all the Toy Story puppets. For some reason he loved the Buzz Light-Year, he would hug it and give it big sloppy baby kisses.
There is also an elephant that elongates when a cord is pulled and then shortens while it plays 'You Are My Sunshine'. It was hanging on the rail of Joshua's crib and he would play with it in the mornings. I would hear the notes plinking here and there and I knew he was awake. Sometimes I would hear the 'tick-tick-tick-tick-tick' of someone pulling it all the way and I knew Robin and Paul were up too and were playing with him.

I really don't go through Joshua's box other than when we move. I am very sentimental but with all the moving we have done I have learned not be a keeper. Joshua would be 16 now, if he were still alive, I wouldn't have any of these things and I probably wouldn't even remember that we owned any of them. I wonder what things I would keep if my life were turned upside-down today. I wonder if it is a little crazy to keep this box in the first place; if I died tomorrow no one but Paul would even understand the significants of the box's contents. It seems silly. I wonder if Paul ever goes through it, I keep meaning to ask him. Although we both chose things to put in the box, we've never gone through it together.

I wonder other things too but I always put everything back in and with a little pain each time, I carefully put the lid back on. There it all stays, safely tucked away in my closet, in a box.

Family Pictures

2011-06-13T13:32:00.004-05:00

Here's a taste of the pictures we had taken a couple of months ago.

Cassie Spalding took the pictures and was so great to work with. She was easy going and gave us enough time so that everyone felt comfortable. With these as well as the rest, I felt like she captured the fun and casualness of our group. I love her work.

The pictures turned out great and make me so happy. Goodness! I love these faces so much!

I Think We Need to Watch 'Easy Rider' . . .

2011-06-11T10:22:00.003-05:00

After a quick review of Paul's life insurance policies and a suggestion that we might add just a little more, Paul bought a motorcycle. I would probably worry more if he didn't look so dang good on it.

Surf Board Rack

2011-06-10T08:04:00.007-05:00

Healthy Bodies, Activity, Hard Work, No Video Screens, Everyone Included: These are some of the things that I feel or think when the garage door opens and I see all those surfboards lined up against the wall.

We managed to acquire quite a few surfboards now and they were beginning to get a little awkward to store so Paul built this cool rack. Now we have a few around the house as decoration and the rest are here safe and sound.

It makes me happy.

Surprise!

2011-06-06T08:59:00.003-05:00

So here we are in Surprise, Arizona. We are really happy to have our family reunited and relieved to get back into a routine, instead of constantly putting out fires.

The house is great. What do I like best?

It was designed really well and with a lot more storage than we were expecting, so it has been pretty easy to move in.
The pool, of course. I love that the kids play for hours and hours and then crash into bed and are asleep before I can get up there to say good night. LOVE!
The house is perfect for entertaining. Lots of comfortable rooms and seating areas for visiting. Saturday our *first visitors, the Billings, came to see us and I loved that some kids were outside in the pool, others were playing video games in the family room and the adults were in the living room enjoying a great conversation.
Green space has been desgined into this housing development. When I look out my window I don't see a sea of rooftops instead there are trees and flowers. It makes me so happy.
It is close to everything. The grocery store is 5 minutes away. Target is 2 minutes away. The schools and church are both walking distance.
There is a beautiful walking path (that green space again) that snakes all throughout the housing development. I can't wait for Betsy to get here so we can take her for walks.

I feel like our kids have taken the brunt of the inconvenience of this move. Their activities have been cancelled and rescheduled and canceled again because i would need to take car of something for the sale of the house or getting ready for the move. I am pleased that we will really be able to focus on them this summer. It is already shaping up to be busy and full of really good things. Swimming lessons for the girls and golf for Dan. We'll keep you updated.

*Our first guests were actually Roger and his friend during Spring Training but I don't want to count that since I wan't here and he was forced to feed himself and sleep on the floor.

Housekeeping

2011-05-15T10:02:00.012-05:00

All of the work and energy and money and thought and stress and worry and hope of the last 6 months finally culminated this week as Pauly checked into the MTC and we closed the sale of the house. It has been an extremely emotional week but as those two things finally came to pass and Paul arrived safely in Cambodia, an enormous amount of weight was taken off my shoulders. I really feel like a new woman. I feel great and am ready to get this move done. Geesh! Sometimes I feel like we've been pulling this band-aid off one hair at a time since November.

I have so much on my mind this morning. Everything I am thinking about could have it's own post but I'm not sure if or when I will be able to post over the next two weeks so I am just going to do a little purge.

The Chickens~ I miss the chickens. We gave them away about two weeks ago. Don't get me wrong, they were never pets but I liked the movement in the chicken yard when I look out the window. I liked that when dinner was prepared I could send them the ends of the carrots, the potato peels, the apple cores and nothing went to waste. I miss the eggs whenever we wanted them. I miss the work it made for our children. Outside of our children and Paul's careers, the chickens have been one of the most rewarding and enjoyable endeavors of our marriage. I will be glad when we can do that again.

The House~ The house is sold. The folks who bought it have a big family and are so excited to move in and have chickens and a grow a garden and cook in the huge kitchen. They think Paul's egg boxes are ingenious. They are right, of course. It feels good leaving the house to people who will appreciate it.

Dan~ Daniel had his farewell party last weekend and went to an end of the year dance on Friday. For his party they hooked three XBoxes together and killed zombies for hours and hours. Honestly, these are the easiest parties to give because I don't have to do anything besides make A LOT of food.

For the dance the theme was '80's characters'. He dressed as Luigi from Mario Bros. He had fun. I promised him $1 for every girl he asked to dance. He made $20.

Dan's band concert was this week too. This is just a Jr. high band, I am always suprised at how good they are. Here's a taste.

The Girls~ The girls have been making nonstop friendship bracelets since their cousin Maude posted this tutorial. Gloria sang When Will My Life Begin, from Tangled at her school talent show. She did a great job. This is one girl who is not afraid of the spotlight.

In other little girl news, Sara is wearing her first grownup 'heels' today to church and we ordered bedding for the girls' new room this week.

Paul~ Paul is in Cambodia. He sent me this picture of a woman weaving silk. I hope he brings me some. I love that he will be landing in Phoenix just two hours before we get there two weeks from today.

Thank you~ Thanks to everyone for the encouraging notes and kind words as we sent our boy off on his mission. It has meant a lot to us.

And Me~ I love my new iPhone. My favorite thing? Depositing a check into my checking account while I sat on a bench at the park; that and Tiny Wings. What a incredible time we live get to live in! Also, I got my haircut.

Isn't it cute? I haven't had it this short since we lived in SLC. The girls are getting their summer cuts this week. Well, I guess that is all for now. Have a great couple of weeks.

I hope they call me on a mission Day #1

2011-05-11T08:22:00.005-05:00

Mom, Roger and Robin are dropping Pauly off at the MTC today. Lots of emotions. Lots of thoughts. Thank goodness, lots to keep me busy today. Sadly, I do not have a good missionary picture to post, so this will have to do. We are all glad to get this show on the road.

Equal to the Task

2011-05-05T10:19:00.004-05:00

Pauly turned five years old just a few weeks after we arrived in Germany. A few weeks after that, Shannon Strong Curtis came to stay with us for a few months, to see Europe and to help me with the kids while we prepared for Daniel to be born.

We were at the Frankfurt Airport waiting for Shannon's flight to arrive. In one terminal there is a huge McDonald's with a rocket ship for kids to climb on. Anyone who has ever tried to keep kids happy in an airport, can appreciate how invaluable something like that is.

Anyway, we were at the McDonald's waiting for Shannon's flight to come in and Pauly was playing in the ball pit at the bottom of the rocket. A little boy threw a ball to Pauly and said, "You wanna play?" Pauly threw the ball back and said, "I don't understand your language." The boy threw the ball back again and said, "Do you want to play?" Pauly threw the ball back, this time with a scowl on his face and yelled, "I-DON'T-UN-DER-STAND-YOUR-LANG-UAGE!" This happened a couple more time before I could get to him and explain that the little boy was speaking English and that he needed to listen.

That is one of our favorite family stories and I have thinking about it this morning along with a zillion other things, as Pauly is leaving for his mission. Mostly moments from his life when I have felt what I am feeling this morning. Is he ready? Have we prepared him properly? Does he have everything he needs? How do we help him if something goes wrong? Is he going for the right reasons? Is this really worthwhile? How will I live without that smile for two years?

Of course then I remember that he is Paul Rodgers and just like his dad, he is unbelievable. He makes friends everywhere he goes. He has proven himself adaptable in every situation I have seen him thrown into. Other than when some kind of ball is involved, he never takes himself too seriously. He knows how to work. I see him the most happy and energized when he learns something new and possibilities, unseen before, open up to him, consequently he is endlessly curious and seeks out knowledge of any kind.

Proud, anxious, excited, worried, thrilled, apprehensive, a little relieved; I'm a little bit of all those things today but mostly I'm confident. I know he is ready and up to the tasks before him.

It's not fair that we are allowed to love them so much.

His itinerary for the next week:

Thursday~ Travel

Friday~ Surf in San Diego with Dad and Salem

Saturday ~ Surf some more

Sunday~ Set apart by the Arizona Stake President (I am hoping to be there via Skype)

Monday~ Fly to SLC and be intercepted by G. and G. Mac

Tuesday~ Buy new shampoo and shaving creme confiscated by TSA

Wednesday~ Enter the MTC until July 11th.

Five Great Event From Last Weekend

2011-05-02T05:57:00.010-05:00

Scenes from the party

Paul was home. This is the last time he will visit Lindale. He leaves for Cambodia next week and will be get home the night the kids and I fly into Phoenix. I told him there was just one thing about the move that was paralyzing me. The shed. It is as big as a 3 car garage and it was just full of tools and gardening equipment and hunting stuff and I just couldn't face going through it all.

Paul completely cleaned it out. He even moved everything from the shed that we are taking with us, from the shed to the garage, ensuring that I don't even have to go out there again unless I want to. Wow! He takes such good care of me.

Brittny visited. Pauly's girlfriend Brittny has been here all weekend. She is darling and funny and keeps Pauly on his toes. She was also a great help while we finished sorting things for the garage sale and then with the little girls' party. I also loved having someone else in the house to appreciate Kate Middelton's wedding dress. Sons simply do not fit the bill in those situations. It was nice to have her here. She went home Monday.

Sara and Gloria's Birthday/Farewell Party was Friday Night. I don't have time to tell you everything but let me just say it included several hundred glow sticks, an outdoor movie screen and these floating lanterns. It was kind of awesome. The girls were happy.

These are the invitations.

The garage sale has come and gone as have our lawnmowers our couch and our collection of Barbie DVDs. It was supposed to be Friday and Saturday but we had sold everything but odds and ends by noon on Friday. Woohoo! Someone came and took the chickens this morning. The only things left are a couple of book shelves that we thought about afterward and the bass boat.

Branch farewell Members from the branch gave an open house in our honor Saturday night. It was so nice to visit and tell stories and reconnect. They did it this weekend because it was the last weekend Paul would be here. So many people have become so dear to us here. Most of them have been in our branch.

We just went from one thing to another all weekend and I am afraid I only took a few pictures and they aren't great. Oh well.

All in all it was a great weekend. 26 days and counting!

30 Days From Today

2011-04-26T08:31:00.009-05:00

Thirty days from today:

we will turn over the house keys to the new owners.

the packers and movers will have come and gone and our household goods will be on the way to Phoenix.

Pauly will be in the MTC learning Spanish.

The kid's farewell parties will be done.

Paul will be on his way home from Cambodia. Ask him how long the flight is.

the kids will have one more day of school left. Woohoo!

all our goodbyes will have been said and we should be ready to go.

Right now I am having a hard time seeing past next Thursday which is when Pauly will fly to Phoenix to spend a few days with has dad and to get set apart as a missionary before flying to SLC and checking into the MTC on the 11th.

Two years feels like a very . long . time.

But I can't think about that right now, instead I am going to sort through these DVDs sitting on the table next to me and decided which ones to put in the garage sale this weekend.

Tell me again why I thought a garage sale was a good idea.

Updates From New York City

2011-04-18T06:43:00.001-05:00

I am sending New York City updates to our friends at the Rose Path blog. If you are so inclined you can go here to see what I am up to this week.

Kitchens

2011-04-14T05:14:00.002-05:00

I talked about how protected I felt in the days and weeks following the funerals and burial of our Joshua. I remember being in my mom's kitchen a couple of days after the second funeral. I said, "Mom, I feel so good, like I am walking through a cloud. I don't even feel sad. Maybe this won't be as hard as I thought it would." She looked disheartened and said with compassion but reality in her voice , "Oh Rachel, I hope you're right but I think you have some very dark days ahead of you."

Two or three weeks later we left St. George and flew back to Ft. Hood. Jim DeMoss picked us up at the airport, drove us home and made sure we were settled before leaving us.

My routine before bed was to go around and check all the doors to make sure they were locked and then turn on the soft light above the stove so I could see what I was doing when I made a bottle for the baby in the middle of the night.

That first night back, I checked all of the locks and I turned on the light over the stove. Then, realizing, I turned the light off. I walked back through the dark house and went to bed.

Paul held me while I cried and I began my descent.

Start Spreading The News!

2011-04-12T12:00:00.005-05:00

Oh my goodness! I am so excited. I woke up this morning at 3:00am and started thinking about everything I need to get done before I leave for New York on Saturday, but I'll spare you another list.

I started packing this morning, jackets, scarves and warmer clothes that I won't be needing until I get there. I also packed this kimono. Isn't it beautiful? I'm planning to wear it the day we spend at the Met ~if I have the guts. What do you think? Too much? Not enough?

Either way I am thrilled to be taking this trip. I hope it is the first of many.

Fashion and Testimony Meeting

2011-04-07T05:42:00.002-05:00

My girlfriends and I shared clothes back and forth all the time. And when I say we shared clothes, what I really mean is that they shared their clothes with me. That is until my sophomore year of school when belted, over-sized shirts and sweaters were where it was at. I wish I had a picture or two of Sara and I at that time but I couldn't find any.

As luck would have it, my dad was a big guy and he had a great big closet full of over-sized sweaters and shirts for us to borrow. The best part? His wonderful collection of sweater vests. They were perfect for layering and he had a bunch of them. He would complain about us borrowing them but I know he was amused, he liked that we could use something we already had in the house, especially if it was cool. The only time Dad would get annoyed with the whole thing was when we couldn't produce one of the said items of clothing, when he wanted it.

I knew we weren't alone when The Cosby Show did an episode where Cliff had to go into Denise's closet to find his belt and shirts. I remember watching that episode as a family and loving it. I welcomed any chance I had to identify with Uber Cool Denise Huxtable.

Anyway, one Sunday morning Dad wanted his burgundy sweater vest. I couldn't find it. Sara couldn't find it. I checked to see if I left it at Laurette's, nope. I called the Lieshman's, nope. He was mad. We got ready and went to church minus the burgundy sweater vest. It was Fast Sunday.

I'm just going to let you guess how happy we all were to see Sherrie Maxwell get up to speak wearing the sweater vest in question.

Funeral #2

2011-04-06T02:20:00.001-05:00

Angel Comforting by J. Kirk Richards

We had been home from funeral number one for a only a few minutes when the phone rang. It was Paul's dad. Paul turned to me and said, "My dad says we need to have a funeral in Utah." "Why?" I asked, a little frustrated by the idea that I was not being listened to. "He said everyone is coming to town and we really should have a funeral." I was annoyed, "Why are people coming? Hardly anyone even met him." "Rachel, they are coming for us." I was humbled, "Oh . . . okay."

Paul's dad was right, everyone was there. Stanleys, Burgoynes, Putnams, Packs, and Rodgers were all there as well as dear friends and neighbors. The second funeral was just as lovely as the first. Paul spoke using Sheri's talk as a template, Grandpa Paul spoke too. My favorite part was when Joshua and Jared sang Nearer My God To Thee. It was so beautiful. It all made me happy though. I think it's strange that I don't remember a lot of details from that day, I don't even remember what building it was in.

I only remember two things from the graveside service. I remember the bagpipes playing quietly while we emerged for our cars and walked to the little grave. I also remember looking at the sky and thinking of another family huddle around another tiny grave. There was one other funeral in town the day we buried our Joshua. I didn't know them but I knew of them. They had lost two children in one year and that day they were laying their second child to rest.

~It doesn't matter what you are going through, there is always someone who has it harder than you do.

This is where some of my memories might be skewed. It seems like I didn't know about that other family until after the day of the funeral but I remember thinking about them at the graveside. I wonder which memory is correct.

During this time I felt a very real but intangible protection from my grief and the horror of our child's death. I remember worrying that I was going mad because I didn't cry at the second funeral in fact I didn't feel sad. Instead I loved it. I loved the songs. I loved what was said. I loved seeing the family and old friends. I remember the funeral as a happy experience.

About two years later, I found the recording of the funeral. Remembering the funeral fondly and thinking I was going to enjoy the time listening to it, I put the cassette tape into the player and to listen to it. I pushed play. After about three seconds I turned it off, only because I couldn't reach it sooner. I was shocked, the sadness and heartbreak in the voice I heard was startling and more than I could bear. I couldn't listen to it. I never tried to again.

My memory might not be perfect but there are to things I know. First, it was not a happy occasion, no matter how I remember it. Second, I was protected and loved in many different ways during that very difficult time.

Grandpa Paul

2011-04-05T05:13:00.000-05:00

Jared ~who calls me names even though I am always nice to him~ posted this picture on Facebook. I love these faces and I miss those days.

5 Reasons This Weekend Was The Bomb!

2011-04-04T05:08:00.003-05:00

Paul came home, that alone made the weekend great but it got even better!
We recieved a generous and complementary offer on the house and accepted it. I love that Paul happened to be home and that we were together when we got the news.
I made cinnamon rolls. (recipe below)
We watched General Conference and played conference bingo.
We got everything squared away for Pauly to go through the temple this Saturday.

I loved tweaking our calender and getting everything planned out and ready for the move. I also love that in just three short days, Paul will be back accompanied by our Robin.

My Cinnamon Roll Recipe:

Sara's Dinner Rolls

Dissolve 1pkg. yeast in 1/2 cup of water. When yeast is dissolved, add 2 eggs, 1/2 cup oil, 1/3 cup sugar, 1tbls. salt, 1 1/2 cup water and 6-7 cups of flour. Mix well and knead for about 5 minutes until dough soft and smooth. Let rest for 10 minutes. Shape into rolls and let rise for about an hour.

Bake at 350 degrees until golden brown.

Cinnamon Rolls

Start with the dough recipe above. When it has rested, roll out the dough on a well floured counter, into a long rectangle approximately 30 inches long and 12 inches wide and 1 inch thick. Over the entire sheet of dough spread 1/2 cup melted butter, 1 1/2 cups brown sugar, about 1 tbls of cinnamon and 1 cup pecans (optional). Now roll up the dough lengthwise, you should have a 30 inch roll when you are done. Using a serrated knife, saw the roll in half then in half again and again until you have 8 equal pieces. Cut each of the 8 pieces into thirds and place them into a greased pan. Let them rise for about an hour and bake at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes. Top with frosting (optional).

Frosting: Mix 1/2 cup butter, 1lb powdered sugar and 5 tbls of milk until smooth and spreadable.

Calendar of Events

2011-04-01T08:10:00.004-05:00

I am happy this morning because my sweetheart is asleep in our bed where he should be. My head is swimming, however, thinking about the next two months and everything that needs to be accomplished and everything that will have happened by the end.

April

1-3 Paul is home for the weekend

7-10 Paul and Robin are home for the weekend

8- Family pictures

9- We take Pauly to the Dallas Temple

15-23 Rachel and Regina take Manhattan

27-1 Paul is home for the weekend

27-Brittney visits for the weekend

30- Open house

May

10 Pauly flies to Salt Lake

11 Pauly delivered to the Mission Training Center

6-15 Rachel cries a lot

12 Paul flies to Cambodia to build schools with the national guard

26 Rachel is still crying but not as much

27 Kids last day of school

June

31-1 Packers scheduled

2 Movers

3 House cleaned

4 Fly to Phoenix

Of course we fully expect to sell the house by that time. That is the only part that is up in the air. As of today, we have an interested party, they are working on financing. Keep your fingers crossed.

Funeral #1

2011-03-30T08:21:00.003-05:00

The picture we had framed for the funeral.

Joshua was one year old when he died. It seemed silly to me to have funeral for a baby that no one knew but our little family and a few friends with whom we would visit the park and trade babysitting.

I thought we should have a simple funeral with our ward family in Texas and then a simple grave side ceremony with family in St. George. I mean who else would come to the funeral of a baby?

As the mother of new babies I always felt protective of my feelings. I loved them each so much I could scarce comprehend the depth in my own mind. Every smile and burp and coo enchanted me and drew me in even more. I loved those days. Slow days, small days, private days, just me and the baby wrapped in the unseen chains of supply and demand, happily giving and happily taking, nobody needing or wanting anything outside our home. I miss those days. Because my feelings were so intense and because I knew others didn't feel the same about my baby, those feelings became very private to me, even sacred. I think only Paul really knew.

I think I translated his birth and his death into similar situations in my head at least socialy. I was surprised at how self-conscious I felt about the whole idea of planning this funeral. Not because I thought I would do it wrong but because I wanted privacy, I felt very protective, I didn't think that it affected people outside my immediate sphere and at the same time I was really worried about putting people out or inconveniencing them with our tragedy. It seems absurd to me now but at the time I just couldn't believe that it would matter to anyone else.

My first indication that my thinking was flawed was when our Bishop at the time, Ryan Rydalch, came over to get the details for the funeral. He asked about what songs we would like to hear and who should speak. We told him what we wanted. Then he told us there was another matter. He said that the Commanding General of the 1st Cavalry Division wanted to come but because he was the the CG, if he attended, protocol said he should sit on the stand. That would also change the service from a church service to a military service.

We told him we wanted an LDS service. That put our poor bishop into the uncomfortable position of telling the CG, both Paul's and Ryan's boss's boss's boss's boss, that he couldn't come to the funeral. He did and the CG was obliging and could not have been more gracious about it.

Our mothers and Sara flew from Utah to be with us for the funeral. Jim DeMoss took Pauly to get a haircut and had a picture of Joshua framed for us. He made sure Paul's uniform was just right and helped with a zillion other details I asked of him. Ellen Kuehl bought me a beautiful dress. Women from all over Ft. Hood church sisters and army sisters brought in more food than we could eat. Flowers arrived from friends and family. Sara ordered the flowers for the casket. Dear friends dressed Joshua in white pajamas for burial. Paul and I stayed close to each other.

As we drove to the funeral, I still fully expected just a small group of dear friends to meet us at the church. Instead, as the church came into view, I gasped. There were so many cars that they were having to park on the road. I couldn't understand it. It looked like Stake Conference. I still could not believe that so many people cared.

The church was filled back to the stage with our ward family as well as soldiers and officers in their blues and greens. We sang I Am a Child of God and Come Come Ye Saints. Our dear friend Sherri Steed, the only person outside of our family who spent time with Josh, gave a beautiful eulogy that made me happy and made everyone smile. Bishop Rydalch spoke about families being forever and about the Plan of Salvation. The pallbearers were the men who had stood in the circle to give Joshua a name and a priesthood blessing when he was born.

After the closing prayer, the soldiers made quick work of the chairs in the gym. Tables were put up and spread with lovingly made food. Paul and I walked around and visited. People said the kindest things to us. "I've never been to a funeral I enjoyed before." "I didn't want it to end." "I will never forget this day." Although I was numb to much of the emotion, I knew how special the whole experience was.

It is one of my sweetest memories.

Progress

2011-03-29T08:10:00.006-05:00

I know you're all sitting on the edge of your computer chairs waiting to hear how I am coming on my sweater. Well, the wait is over.

I love how the color-ways are presenting themselves. It makes me happy every time I get it out and and work on it.

And here is where I am on my 3rd pair of socks.

I'm definitely not going to be done with the socks before April 1st, but I hope to finish this pair by the time General Conference is over this weekend.

My kids five favorite books (preschool edition)

2011-03-25T05:12:00.004-05:00

Of course there are a zillion more but if I had to narrow it down to the five most requested books at our house. These would be the ones.

Sandra Boynton Books

I'm pretty sure we owned all of these at one time or another. The simple rhythms and silly pictures were always a crowd pleaser with my toddlers. And the board books could take quite a beating.

Over in the Meadow

I'm not sure where I learned the simple song that goes with this book, (I think it might have a Barney video) but the kids and I read and sang our way through this one many times. I love the illustrations in this version.

Hand Hand Fingers Thumb by Al Perkins

This is a book from my childhood. I remember sitting next to my mom while she read it to us. I couldn't wait to share it with my kids. Always a favorite as the simple rhythm is so easy to understand even a baby too young to talk can appreciate it.

Little Critter Books By Mercer Mayer

The little sister in these books reminded us of our 2 year old Sara; stringy hair, solid, square body, expressive face. It cracked us up every time we saw a new one.

Go! Dog! Go! By P.D. Eastman

When Robin and Paul were babies, Grandma and Grandpa Rodgers sent us box full of books. Dr. Suess and others, and this was in that bunch. Little Paul LOVED Go Dog Go. I think I read this book 3 times every night before bed for about a year and a half. He just never got tired of it. And talk about the injustices of motherhood, he told me recently that he had no memory of the book or me reading it to him.

It's not fair!

2011-03-23T08:51:00.008-05:00

When Sara and I call each other we have some things we say right off the bat so the other knows why we're calling. "I need you to talk me down." "I am never going to learn!" and "It's not fair!" The first two are pretty self-explanatory. The last one though, that is for when we hear about someone facing something that is really awful. Something we've never dealt with. Something that is just not fair.

This story is one of those that both isn't fair and changed the way I see my world.

If I remember correctly, we were in Kansas and my visiting teachers were at my house. We were talking about the parent-teacher conferences that were coming up. I said, "I just love parent-teacher conferences!" I went on about how fun it is to have the kids out of school and how I enjoyed getting hear how each of my kids were doing, one on one with the teachers.

One of the ladies then told us how she dreaded parent-teacher conferences. Her husband was a long haul trucker so she was alone with her three boys the majority of the time. Each one of them had a different learning disability and each had behavior problems. The meetings she had with her boys' teachers were very different than the ones I described. She said she would have to schedule 1/2 hour between each conference so that she had time to sit in her car and cry and then steel herself for the next meeting.

I was shocked. I took for granted that these meetings were a happy occasion. It hadn't occurred to me that anyone was getting bad reports, that moms were leaving classrooms feeling like failures, that they were driving home wondering what else they could do to save their child.

I felt sick. Shamefully, my first thought was of me, of course. How arrogant I must have sounded! But then my heart immediately went out to this woman who had become my friend. How overwhelming it must have been! What a heavy burden to carry alone! Who is to blame? How do you even deal with that? Oh! how unfair!

I think about that experience often, it really did change the way I look at my life. I try not to take the good things in my life for granted, and to just be grateful. I also try to be mindful of people around me who haven't had it as easy as I have.

Now, when I go to parent-teacher conferences, I watch for moms who look shell-shocked or distressed or just plain weary. If I know them, I give them a hug and make sure they know they can talk to me. If I don't, I try to find something kind to say. And if I see a woman sitting alone in her car . . . I say a prayer.

Noro Yarn

2011-03-22T06:54:00.008-05:00

So when I started working at Rose Path, I had no idea that yarn was so diverse in quality, fiber content, dying technique, sizes and/or uses. During my time there I have learned to love the feel of certain kinds of yarn but I have also learned to lean toward certain yarn designers. Who knew that there are people out there who job it is to design yarns? Not me, that's for sure.

Eisaku Noro is the man seated. I love this picture.

By far, my favorite yarn designer is a Japanese man named Eisaku Noro. Noro yarns are really beautiful and so much fun to work with. His color-ways are always a surprise and I have yet to see a finished product without coveting whatever it is. Click here to see what I mean.

These are examples of the color-ways he comes up with. Wonderful!

I was touched when Knitting Fever offered to match any contributions to the Red Cross up to $50,000.00 in Noro's name.

I just started my first my first sweater and I am using Noro. Here is what I have done so far. My goal is to finish before Regina and I go to New York next month. Wish me luck!

Where Troubles Melt Like Lemon Drops

2011-03-21T05:54:00.005-05:00

On St. Patrick's Day last week I had purchased everything I needed to make this or this. Liz found both of them and put them on her blog, I found them there. Thanks Liz!

I got going on my "to do list" that day and I have to admit, I was on fire! By 1:00pm I had checked off everything I needed to do that day but had so much energy I couldn't stop. I moved on to my weekly task list and finished the last few things on that list as well. I pretty much rocked that list.

By the time I was ready to focus on dinner, I could tell I was on my way down the energy slide. The corned beef and cabbage was already almost done but I just couldn't face making a cake. So instead of cake, we had Shamrock Shakes for dessert. Is that cheating or adapting?

We made the cake this weekend. It was so fun! The colors are so bright and cheery and I didn't have to use nearly as much food coloring as I thought I would to get the effect I wanted. Even the dirty dishes were pretty.

We made a regular yellow cake mix batter. We separated it into 6 different bowls, ~about 1 1/2 cups each~ With my direction, the girl's mixed the food coloring in each bowl and then we layered the batter in rainbow order, red through purple in one pan and purple through red in the other. Also, I don't have any pans that are the same size to I bought the cheap foil ones at the grocery store. They would be especially useful if I had made each color in separate layers. Who wants to store 6 pans all the same size?

We will definitely do this one again.

Five TV Shows That Are Always Funny To Me

2011-03-18T06:11:00.005-05:00

1. News Radio

2. Cheers

3. Malcolm in the Middle

4. Arrested Development

5. As Time Goes By

I am sorry to report that there easily another ten and they are all sitcoms. I don't know what it is but I love 'em.

Differences in Grieving

2011-03-15T07:01:00.004-05:00

Grief is an interesting thing. It is different for everyone and I was surprised at how differently Paul and I handled our grief.

I needed to talk to someone, Sara, my mom, Sherri, a kind sister from church and of course Paul. He just wanted to talk to me and only when he was ready.

I found comfort and solace when I would write down my feelings and was able to express what I was going through. Paul found peace when he was alone with his thoughts at a lake or walking through a forest; or with headphones on, the rest of the world blocked out, listening to music.

I needed to cry and get my feelings out; he needed to be occupied with a project or sports or work.

Even now, 15 years later, I want to watch videos and look at pictures of our dear boy; it makes Paul too sad, in fact, I have to warn him about these posts. On the other hand, I stay away from the cemetery. I hate it. If I never went back there again I'd be fine. Paul finds comfort and peace being in that green place, near the grave site. Cleaning the headstone and taking care of it, leaving a pinwheel or flowers makes him feel good.

Although neither of us were prepared, I don't know how you can be for something like this, we have tried to be patient with each other as we each slogged our way though the grieving process and beyond. We have tried to do whatever we could to comfort the other. He definitely didn't want to go to counseling but he knew it would help me and he was there with me every minute. I made sure he had time alone and bought him new CD's to listen to.

During a time of extreme selfishness, we were somehow able to be extremely unselfish and we came out stronger in the end. Making it through the grieving process with our marriage intact is absolutely the greatest blessing of my life.

Eagle's Beak

2011-03-14T06:35:00.002-05:00

If you go to this website and scroll down to the video you can see Daniel's class project. He did the filming and technical stuff and loved it.

Helpless

2011-03-13T08:22:00.005-05:00

Thursday night while we slept here in Texas, there was a terrible 8.9 earthquake in Japan followed by a powerful and destructive tsunami.

Because of the ease of communication, we are getting information as well as seeing pictures and video immediately. It is an awful feeling to see people suffering in such detail, with no way to help. We texted to send $10 to the Red Cross. We will give money to other organizations but it seems gross to go about our lives as if nothing has changed when I know there are real emergent needs to be met.

I've been thinking about my sister Sara who just qualified to be a paramedic as a part of her Master's program. I can see her organizing and getting people fed quickly and efficiently. I have been thinking of Paul's brother Robert who is a flight paramedic. I wonder if he wishes he could be over there helping. I have been thinking about my brother Jared Ralph who served his mission is some of the hardest hit areas. I know he is thinking about friends he has there. I want to call him to translate when there is a word or something happening that I don't understand.

Gabrielle said she felt helpless as she watched everything in real time. As I sit here on Sunday morning writing this, I can't think of a better word.

Why I Love Daylight Savings Time

2011-03-09T23:46:00.003-06:00

So did you know I love Daylight Savings Time? Well I do. I know. I know. Lots of people don't like the adjustment. It throws off their body clocks for a week or so. They have to fight to get kids in bed. They lose that hour of sleep. It is one more thing they have to think about. Yes, yes, I've heard all of it, but I still love it.

I'm not exactly sure how to express what I love about it except to say that I like that everyone is doing something at the same time. Acting at the same time. And it is a benign act, nobody is being forced to go to church or eat something or go through a medical procedure. We all just show up to school, the grocery store, the soccer game, etc. an hour earlier or later, depending on the season.

Everyone, at the same time. I find strength in that. There is a special kind of strength and energy in a situation when everyone has a similar objective. I feel that same energy in a huge stadiums, whether I am at a concert or a football game or gathered with other LDS to hear the prophet speak; where the purpose and focus are the same for everyone involved.

It can be happy and fun. It is why I loved being in plays and choirs, or listening to a great band or orchestra. It is why I can't ever get enough of things like this:

or this or this.

It can be noble and honorable. It is why I loved being apart of the military community. People sacrificing and working unbelievably hard for the safety and peace of people they don't even know. You can't imagine the mixture of feelings before a deployment. The pride and fear and duty and excitement and tradition, during a casing ceremony as a division of men prepare to go into harm's way, is almost tangible. At once selfish and selfless, every soldier and family members' hearts and minds are in the same place.

It can be comforting and compassionate. It is why I love being a part of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. People committed to the concepts taught by Jesus Christ in the New Testament, trying to do what is right and finding ways to serve those around them. Extremely organized and wanting to do good, Mormons are especially good in a crisis. It is a beautiful thing to watch members of a ward rally around a family in need. And it is unspeakably moving when yours is the family being served.

It is about working separately and together. It is how I feel when I am driving my children to school. Doing the same dance as hundreds of other families in our community every morning; A careful dance of traffic laws, social rules and bell schedules. Acting separately but working with the same goal of educated children and contributing members of society, parents pack lunches and sign papers and give quick kisses and last minute words of encouragement.

I find a power and hope and community in all of those things.

Robin called me last week:

Robin: Mom, I just realized that Arizona doesn't have Daylight Saving Time and I thought that was really going to bug you.

Me: I knew that and it does but I am trying not to think about it too much. I think I'm just going to write a long boring blog post about it.

Second Pair

2011-03-09T08:05:00.002-06:00

This is Araucania Patagonia 100% cotton yarn knitted on size 6 Addi Turbo circular needles.

Last week and another list

2011-03-06T08:39:00.007-06:00

Goodness! What a week! I got home Sunday night just in time to get the last few little things out of our main living area and to be ready for the painters on Monday morning.

While at home we were relegated to the bedrooms with no access to the kitchen. I'm not sure why but I wasn't expecting that. Anyway, it is done. The house is all put back together and it looks great. We are showing it again starting today and are hopeful it will sell quickly.

So now that the house is ready to go and we've simplified even more, I am working on my list of things I want to do before we leave. It's a lot to think about.

Paul's mission list

Clothing

Luggage

Temple

Verbs

Piano

Thank yous to friends and neighbors

notes

cookies/cinnamon rolls

Decor and organization for the new house

Throw pillows

Pain girls' bedroom furniture

Bedding for the girls' room

Frame pictures

Samoan mat

Bull fight poster

I've wanted these for a laundry room since I saw them on Mindi's blog. I am going to try and recreate them.

Continue to get rid of stuff on Craig's List

Trip to NYC

Clothes, I am planning lots of black, with great scarves. Good plan?

Planned projects (while I still get wholesale)

Knitting

buy lots of sock yarn

Quilts

buy fabric and dye

Weaving

measure the warp for three four different projects

Farewell parties for the kids

Slumber party / royal wedding

Video games

My Weekend

2011-02-28T08:39:00.002-06:00

Fair blue skies for miles

Longed-for landscape and faces

I am home again

Have a great weekend!

2011-02-23T05:20:00.003-06:00

I'm off to see the most interesting man in the world and Phoenix and Becky and Ronnie and the next house we will call our home. I wish my suitcase looked like this.

A Good Sunday

2011-02-21T07:45:00.004-06:00

We were so worried about our little Branch when we considered this move. Although we knew they would be just fine without us, we have grown to love these people we have worked with and served with these past 4 years. Part of us felt like we were abandoning them.

Yesterday our stake announced huge boundary changes. The changes were great. The Lindale Branch was swallowed up into the Tyler 2nd ward. I feel so good leaving know that my dear friends will have help to continue their work in this area.

Looking forward, Paul found a great house for us. It has an easy commute for him, great schools for the kids and a swimming pool with a diving board for me. Sadly, it has a green living room but they have already given us permission to paint it. There is a question about who has dibs on this house so keep your fingers crossed for us.

What a good day!

5 Things for a Happy Rachel

2011-02-18T06:10:00.000-06:00

I can accomplish a lot in a day but when bedtime rolls around, there are five ingredients my day will include so that I go to sleep happy and content.

Truth: I have to spend some time in scripture study, prayer and meditation. I find that even a small amount of time trying to see the "big picture", makes my day more productive and hones my focus. I am thankful for the time and the opportunity for this in my life.

Beauty: Doing something creative. It can be something as simple as trying something new with the girls' hair or framing and hanging a new picture. It can also be as involved as giving a party or taking a class and learning a new skill ~right now I'm knitting socks.~ Using my brain in a creative way is such a pleasure and it makes my heart happy.

Family: Spending time with Paul and each of my children. Again this can be something as simple as a hug or a text or something that takes more time; a family outing or a date. Everything just feels right when I am snuggled in bed with the ones I love reading a book or just talking and laughing.

Vegetables: It must be some kind of mothering instinct but I am always feel great when I have fed my family good food that includes a lot of vegetables. Even if I had to hide them in the smoothie or spaghetti sauce. (Gloria is pretty sure anything green is poisonous.) I find it so gratifying to know that I am supplying our bodies with what they need to be strong and healthy.

Work: I need to do something physically hard everyday. Exercise, gardening, yard work, hiking. I feel so great when I have made my body work hard. It all feels even better if I have been outdoors. For me there is a real connection between physical work and spiritual peace. It is hard to beat the feeling of showering and relaxing after working hard in the heat of the day.

My favorite days are when I get to check off everything on this list. It doesn't always happen but it what I am always striving for.

First Pair

2011-02-16T06:00:00.005-06:00

This is my very first pair of socks. I should be able to finish them this week. My plan was to knit one pair each month this year. I am already behind on my goal but now that our crazy busy January is over and Paul is safely in Phoenix, my schedule has opened up nicely. I hope to get back on track.

FYI: These are knitted with Regia sock yarn on Addi Turbo circular needles.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T02:32:00.001-06:00

20 years ago when Paul and I were still in Salt Lake City, we went to the Utah Symphony's Night at the Movies. They played dramatic movie clips on a huge screen directly over the musicians as the symphony played the music score, live. Good gracious! It was wonderful! Some of the movie scenes they showed, we were familiar with; North by Northwest and Gone with the Wind, Oh! and the battle scene from Ben Hur, that was cool.

Of course they showed scenes from movies we hadn't seen too and my favorite, by far, was In a Rehearsal Room. So exquisitely beautiful, it made me cry, still does. It satisfies every romantic sensibility my little heart can muster. The exactness of the plucked violin, the harmony and seamlessness of the dancers moving together, the flower in her hair, the shawl hanging on the bar, even the widows are in twos! For heaven's sake, even Cynthia Gregory's name is romantic!

Doesn't she look like she's just stepped out of a Degas painting? The version they showed that night wasn't this short or pink and you can click here for the version we saw, it is even more romantic and wonderful, except that the sound and video quality are terrible.

I looked for a copy of this short film for years I even contacted the Utah Symphony with no luck. Of course, I finally found it on YouTube!

I've been saving it for Valentine's Day. I hope you love it as much as I do.

Wait! one more thing, Happy Valentine's Day my sweetheart. I love that my very happiest memories and experiences always include you.

5 things I learned from The Quilt Room

2011-02-11T01:26:00.005-06:00

I closed The Quilt Room last week and gave my very last lesson this week. I don't really feel good or bad about it. Mostly I feel . . . interrupted. I feel like I wasn't really able to give it my best shot you know? On the other hand, I had fun and learned a great deal at the same time. You can't really ask for more than that.

Actually, when I really think about it, I learned more in the past 8 months about running and owning a small retail shop than I ever could have taking classes or reading a book. Paul has talked about opening some kind of business for years and it has always been scary to me. Not any more.

Here are five things I learned from owning The Quilt Room and working with Regina Rooney:

1. If you want to open a shop of some sort, find a need in the community. If you are having trouble finding something regularly or having to drive more than 30 minutes to get to a place that sells what you're looking for, that is a need. You will have much more success than if you try to start up in an already flooded market.

2. You don't need thousands of dollars to start. Regina laughs a little when she describes the few skeins of yarn and weaving tools that were for sale when she opened her doors almost 6 years ago. She started slow and now has one of the premiere weaving/yarn shops in the South, it is certainly the best and most versatile in Texas.

Unless you want to start with debt that you may never be able to pay back or are given some largess that you are willing to lose, start slowly with what you can afford. It takes surprisingly little to get started. Be patient.

3. It takes five years to turn a profit, 10 years to be able to provide for a family. I spent about twice what I made in the eight months I was in business but I could see the potential everyday when ladies would come in and be thrilled to know they could come to my shop for basic quilting supplies. I had a strict budget and stuck to it. I watched my inventory grow steadily using only the cash that came through the shop. It was satisfying to know that I didn't owe anybody.

4. If people want a bargain they will go to Walmart. I think that small businesses are where people go to get something special, something that can't be purchased at one of the big box stores. Have good quality and beautiful products. Everyone responds well to quality as well as beauty.

5. People want to be treated with respect and importance, they also want to feel included. You can't fake kindness or sincerity so if you aren't good at that, find a partner that is and stay in the back with the books. Like moth to a flame, people will return to a place where they feel they belong. Create a reason for people to return regularly.

I learned much more but these are things that were important for me to understand and I will take all this with me as we move forward. Man, I'm lucky!

Again and again and again . . .

2011-02-09T06:37:00.000-06:00

I never talk about the events of Joshua’s death, ever. Only a handful of people even know the horrific details of that day; Paul, Sheri, Sara, my mom and a couple MP's who questioned me afterward.

In the days and weeks after Joshua’s death I replayed every minute detail of the accident over and over in my head: the panicked running, my screaming voice, the neighbor springing to action, the calm 911 operator, the paramedics running up the lawn, the stricken look on Paul's face, the consoling friends, Joshua’s little white shoes with yellow socks stuffed inside.

Over and over and over, every detail, I rewound and played it again and again and again; my blood freezing every single time. The pain razor sharp, piercing and brand new every.single.time.

Apparently I would continue this ritual even while I was asleep as I found myself awakened in the middle of the night. It wasn't the memories that would wake me it was the familiar and sickening icy feeling stabbing my chest.

I did this for several months. It became unhealthy and a little disturbing to me when I tried really hard one day not to run through the experience and found that I had some kind of sick need to relive it. Like a troubled teenage girl cutting herself, I took pleasure in the pain. When I told my friend Sheri that I thought I was going a little bit crazy, she suggested that maybe I was doing it because I was afraid to forget. She told me I should try to write it down, every detail and thought and emotion then “it would be safe.” It was a good idea.

That day I typed it all out on the computer and printed a copy. I saved it on the computer too but that was eight or nine computers ago and I can't find it in any of my saved documents.

I put that printed copy in the blue scrapbook that Holly Glines Wilkenson gave us. It also contains information from the hospitals, cards and letters people sent, and a lock of Joshua’s hair.

Immediately after I closed it in the binder, my mind relaxed. It felt like the end of a tug o' war; all that tension, all that force, all that effort, suddenly evaporated. It was like somebody pushed the stop button on a VCR.

Do you know that I’ve never read that story since I typed it out? And since then, I've never felt compelled to run though it in my head either. I have gone over the events of that day a few times over the years but only when I wanted to. I am sometimes curious if I remember things correctly but so far, I’ve never had the guts to read what I wrote and check.

Everyone's Your Friend in New York City

2011-02-07T02:28:00.001-06:00

So my friend Regina and I just bought our tickets to New York in April. I've never been before and I've always wanted to go. Regina's mother grew up in NYC and she has lots of roots there so she's been many times. I'm glad to be seeing the city with someone so familiar.

Here is the list of things I want to do while I'm in New York for the first time:

Eat NY pizza
Eat NY bagels with schmear
Eat at a really nice restaurant
Eat from some street vendors
Go to a few shows
Ground Zero
The Met
The Natural History Museum
The Jewish Genealogical Library
Time Square

If I could fit all that in I would be thrilled. Anything I'm missing?

Five Songs

2011-02-04T06:37:00.000-06:00

Five songs that I was happy to hear on my iPod this week. In fact I played them all several times before I moved on.

Con te Partiro by Andre Bocelli

Calypso by John Denver

Undone by Weezer

Popular from Wicked

He Lives In You (Reprise) From the Lion King (here's the full song, no video)

BYU, Zzyzx Road and a Spelling Lesson

2011-02-01T05:07:00.008-06:00

We went to Dallas this weekend for a mini-vacation before Paul heads to Utah for drill and then to Phoenix. Whenever we travel with all the kids, it inevitably brings back memories of traveling with the family I grew up in, namely, the Mike and Donna Stanley Family.

My dad liked two kinds of adventures. First he liked things that were out of the ordinary. Gravity Hill, Zion National Park Amphitheater, and San Elijo Beach are things that come to mind right now while I write this. Things that most people didn't even know about or did know about but didn't take advantage of. Dad also liked to be at big events where there were lots of people and lots of energy. The Olympics, BYU Football games, concerts.

I know my mom loved all those things too but of course she was the mom so, at least while I was still at home, she was primarily occupied with bathroom stops, food and how presentable we looked. I know it's boring but Dad's adventures wouldn't have been nearly as fun without someone looking out for our comfort. They traveled as a couple a lot and I remember thinking as a young teenager that I hoped my husband and I would take trips together and go to really cool places.

We made the trip between Southern California and Southern Utah countless times. For a while it was from California to St. George and then it was St. George to California. Either way we didn't have air conditioning in our sweet VW van with the luggage rack on top. It wasn't bad unless it was summer and then it was a killer. The Baker Grade was the worst.

I'm not sure if Dad was serious or not but as we passed all the overheated cars on the side of the road, he would act like we were going to be next unless there some kind of divine intervention. (I said a lot of prayers on that stretch of road.) Mom would get paper towels wet with water from the dark green Gott cooler and hand them back to us. "Wipe this on your face and arms. The evaporation will cool you off." It worked a little bit, my dad would chuckle and say something about never needing air conditioning. I don't remember ever getting stuck . . . on the Baker Grade that is.

My dad would always point out the Zyzzyx Road sign and he would honk as we crossed each state line.

When I was 14 we went to my very first concert and saw the Beach Boys at Caesar's Palace. Besides me, I believe our party included mom and dad and Sara and Josh. As we walked through Caesar's Palace, we came upon a 50 foot replica of Di Vinci's David.

Donna: Don't look at it!

Mike: Donna, it's a work of art.

Donna: At Caesar's Palace, it's pornography.

I hope we are giving memories to our children that are fun and funny and adventurous.

P.S. I just learned how to spell Caesar correctly.

5 Things That I Will Miss About Living In This House

2011-01-28T06:11:00.005-06:00

We have lived in this house for 3 years and 8 months. It is the first house we've ever owned. We have loved it. If all goes as planned, we will be moving in the middle of March. Although there are many things we love about this house, here are five things I think I will miss the most.

1. The almost perfect kitchen

The cobalt blue tile counter that makes me happy every morning when I turn on the light.
The double oven that I have used 90% of the days we have lived in this house (I am so glad Paul talked me into it.)
The glass blocks along the outside wall that lets in diffused light.
Lots and lots of cupboard space.
The stainless steel sink, shiny and sanitized when it's cleaned.
Room for 3 grown women to fix Thanksgiving dinner without getting in each other's way.
Long bar, just right for hosting lunch group, an open house or a party.

2. The fireplace that heats the entire house.

The fireplace is called a heatilator. When the fire reaches a certain temperature the fan kicks on and blows air through the entire house. One winter we didn't use the central air even once. There is something primitive and rustic about only using fire to warm the house. I loved the experience of the house feeling cold and unwelcoming. Then the feeling as the crackling fire gradually warmed the house until it was toasty and inviting. I loved that winter.

3. The chicken run full of chickens.

I love movement of the chickens. I love sending food scraps out to them, nothing ever goes to waste. I love gathering eggs, knowing they are safe and nutritious. I love watching the ever beautiful circle of life and being able to share that with my kids. I love the work it provided for my kids too. I wonder if we will be able to have chickens again.

4. The ivy growing prolifically along our back wall.

When we moved in there was some ivy growing up the back of the house. We let it grow until it covered the majority of the back side of the house. Every winter I wonder if it is wise but every summer it is gorgeous and hangs so thickly along the eve of the back porch that I feel like I am looking out of a cave overhung with jungle growth. I have really loved it. I'm mad at myself that I never got a picture of that.

5. All the extra storage.

We've never been in a house with this much extra storage. It has been wonderful to have place for everything. I will miss that a lot. Paul is already mourning the loss of the huge storage building that holds our exersize equipment, our yard and gardening machinery, and all of Paul's tools as well as his hunting and fishing equipment. We are both trying to figure out where all of that stuff is going to go.

We're gong to miss this house but we are ready for a new adventure.

Scattered Thoughts About Sacred Things

2011-01-25T06:56:00.003-06:00

Joshua died 15 years ago today. If he were still with us, he would be 16 years old. I imagine that he would be big like his dad. I imagine that he would be soft spoken with his mother. I imagine that he would fill the hole between Paul and Dan perfectly; giving Paul a run for his money and Dan a comrade. I think about what the configuration of our bedrooms would look like. We would have outgrown a minivan and would be driving an SUV of some kind. I imagine he would like music. At Christmas we sang Far Far Away on Judea's Plains in the Christmas program. As we stood there harmonizing, I thought about him, just for a moment, and I wondered where he would be standing.

I don't talk much about Joshua's death. In fact, unless I know that I will get to know the person intimately, I don't even tell people that we have a son who died; the whole experience is much too sacred to me. People, trying to relate and to be kind, tell me about a death or disappointment in their life or try to make light of it or just stand there awkwardly, not knowing what to say. I don't blame any of them, frankly, I am just as awkward and speechless when the tables are turned. Having gone through something like that hasn't made me a good comforter.

I kept a journal the year after Josh died. I wrote in it every day but we lost it in one of the moves. I wonder about the stories that were in that journal. I wonder if I even want to read them again. Grieving is not a pretty thing, it is agony and rawness and wracking sobs. It is painful just to remember. So maybe it was a kind providence that those records were lost and I can't go back and relive that horrible time in my life.

The stories that have stayed at the forefront of my mind are still there although, after 15 years I am sure that time has skewed the facts a little. Some of them are too close to my heart to share in such a public way but I think I am ready for some of them to be known.

My six (or maybe seven) words.

2011-01-24T05:46:00.001-06:00

I find the idea of six word stories captivating. Whenever I am reminded of them the wheels in my mind starts spinning. What stories could I tell? Is there one story that defines me? How do I say what I want to say? I try and try to come up with the words but I can't ever seem to do it in just six. Not a lot of brevity in this girl.

I am currently reading The Strangeness of Beauty by Lydia Minatoya. I'm about halfway through and I've really enjoyed it so far. But there was a sentence a couple chapters back that I just can't get out of my head. Even though they are Ms. Minatoya's words, I think I found my six word story!

"In my breast, curiosity battled with trepidation."

It's perfect except, I know. I know. It's seven words but I think the sentence is just as good without the "with". What do you think? I think it sums up my thoughts and feelings for a good part of my life. My desire to do what's right, to create, to be happy is in constant competition with my fear of failure and wasted resources and energy. My favorite word in that sentence is battled.

So now I have to ask myself, does this have to continue to be my story? What if instead, it was something like:

Curiosity overcame trepidation at every turn.

I think I like that better and it's only six words!

Five Happy Things

2011-01-21T07:40:00.001-06:00

Five things that made me happy this week:

1. Sara's Alt Summit was successful. She sounded happy and relaxed when I talked to her Saturday morning. I'm so proud of her! And to paraphrase Liz's little sister. "I am the least famous Stanley Sister."

2. Two of my students finished their quilts and one is on the verge. It always fascinates me. We begin using the same pattern, but throw in choice of fabrics, use of color and texture, and each quilt is as completely different as each student. I love it! I'll post pics when I have them.

3. I went to the Moda Warehouse clearance sale and bought more fabric than I will ever use. When I arrived at the shop and unloaded my 10 bolts of fabric, I realized every single bolt was some kind of polka-dot. In my defense, this is just a taste of what I had to choose from. I'm thrilled with my choices but WOW! it was overwhelming.

4. I went to the sale with my inspirational friend Jean whom I am just heartbroken to leave. We had so much fun!

5. 23 red roses almost as big as my fist, delivered to me at work.

Clean

2011-01-19T07:45:00.005-06:00

So I can clean the dickens out of my house but keeping it clean is another story. I am the worst about letting clutter collect; a stack of papers on the counter, the plate we need to return to the neighbors on the entry table for weeks, the egg crusher from Dan's project that I don't want to throw away but that doesn't have a place. That stupid egg crusher, it sits there on the shelf sticking it's tongue out at me every time I go by, along with 1006 other singular objects, waiting for me to decide what to do with them. Yuck!

Whenever we move, there is a time between getting ready for the movers and the movers arriving that we live simply in an uncluttered space. There are very few toys, I stay on top of papers that need sorting, the laundry is minimal and the upkeep of the house is easy. I like it.

We are there right now. Every drawer and closet has been cleaned out. Every stack of papers has been sorted and taken care of. Anything we don't need for the next 3 months has been boxed up and put in the attic. All those tasks that I hate but are always nagging me, are done and it feels so good.

Until the house sells we have to keep the house perfectly clean and ready to show. That sounded like a daunting and for me, a pretty unlikely task but we have been doing it for a week and so far, so good.

So now I keep wondering if it is possible to always live like this. Is it unrealistic with this many moving pieces to keep order or does it just take some discipline? Is this something that is just unrealistic for me, I am a notoriously bad time manager, or is this something I can master?

Every time we move, I am determined to be more organized and simplify but I always fall back into my same old habits, running from one project/activity to the next. This time however, we are moving few people. We don't have any preschoolers or babies. Maybe a few months of being forced to live like this will teach me a few things. Maybe I am in a perfect place to really learn some new habits. Wish me luck!

By the way, the egg crusher? It broke while we were cleaning out and packing. I ended up throwing it away without a thought. Lesson learned? We'll see.

Where's a map?

2011-01-17T00:36:00.000-06:00

Paul received his mission call on Friday.

Mexico, Mexico City, South Mission

Maybe it is because I am familiar with the Mexican culture, maybe because his dad spoke Spanish on his mission, maybe because we’ve spent time in Mexico, maybe because it is on the same continent as we are, maybe because I know the people are friendly and warm or maybe just because I know he’s ready . . .

I feel much more at peace than I thought I would be.

Five Things My Husband Does So Well That I Take Them For Granted

2011-01-14T00:43:00.004-06:00

1. Putting me first

If there is ever a choice between something that I want and something that Paul wants, 95% of the time he chooses what I want. I just assume we will do things my way and am always a little shocked the few times he insists on his way.

2. Being willing to try things and then, of course, succeeding

Paul's adventurous spirit, as well as his hard work and expertise, has taken us farther than I ever dreamed and he's made almost anything a possibility for us.

3. Listening

He always takes the time to listen to me ~and just in case you've never met me, I talk A LOT~ Paul is always sensitive to what I am feeling or thinking about.

4. Providing

I never, ever worry about the basics, I know Paul will always do more than provide for us. One of the things I am most grateful for as a wife and mother is that I had the choice to be home with my kids.

5. Being Loyal

Paul is fiercely loyal to me; it doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong. He stands by me no matter what. In 23 years, I can't remember a time he was ever publicly critical of me.

Once in a while I am startled back to reality and am made to see how rare and precious these qualities are, especially in one person.

Happy 23rd my sweetheart.

Wanna buy a house?

2011-01-12T06:07:00.004-06:00

Our home goes on the market today! We've never sold a house before, we've spent the last month cleaning and packing and patching walls and painting and going through closets and cleaning out drawers and scrubbing grout and weeding and trimming and taking loads to goodwill and sorting papers and reorganizing and finishing all the little projects we've been planning to get done and now it's ready.

The realtor will be here in a couple hours to sign all the papers. I think after that I will take a nap.

An Open Letter to Robin Emily on the Anniversary of Her Birth

2011-01-10T06:01:00.009-06:00

Dear Robin,

I remember the day you were born very clearly. I was 7 days overdue and I was really, REALLY tired of being pregnant. Bona fide contractions finally started and I had labored at home all night. The next morning I was exhausted but excited because the contractions were getting closer together. The Dr. said we could head to the hospital. Yea!! When we got there the contractions completely stopped! Nooooooooo!! They gave me a little medicine that got the contractions going again and at about 6:45pm you were born! Hooray!!

If you want the gory details, I'll share those with you later.

The Dr. handed you to a nurse who was holding an open blanket and she took you and laid you on my chest and then covered you. At first you were really mad, (probably because they wouldn't let push the snooze button again). You were crying and complaining but as soon as you were cuddled up you were quiet. You had two little sores on the top of your head from the monitors. They had been worried about your heart rate and oxygen levels.

I looked at you so little and pink and I thought . . . well, I thought, "When are they going to take this baby so I can sleep?"

I was really disappointed at my reaction to this extremely significant moment in my life. I was suddenly a mother! Where was that deep love women talked about? Where was that moment of connection they described? Where was the excitement?

A week or so later, you and I were still getting to know each other and I was holding you, looking at you. We were sitting in the pink, wing-back chair and I saw a little spider crawling on the blanket you were swaddled in. I was appalled! I was furious! I couldn't believe something so ugly and repulsive would dare to come near you!

I took that spider and squished it between my fingers. I squished it with malice in my heart. I hoped it felt pain and I hoped that any other spiders in the house would see this public squishing as a warning not to touch my baby! I'm not exaggerating.

Now you know how I feel about spiders but that was nothing, NOTHING compared to what I was just beginning to feel for my little Robin. Oh! How I loved you! How I adored you! Even then, feeling that depth of love and protectiveness, I had no idea that it was just the tip of the iceberg.

So here we are 20 years later and you have far surpassed any expectations or dreams I had for you. You are wise and funny and beautiful and have one of the keenest minds in I know. You astound me at every turn!

I'm SO THANKFUL that I've had a front row seat for these last 20 years of your life and hope you'll keep that seat reserved for me for the next 20 years and more.

I love you to the sky my girl!

XOXOXO,

Mom

P.S. I am also thankful that you are old enough to kill spiders by yourself.

It's Official!

2011-01-06T20:52:00.001-06:00

We are going to move to Phoenix! I realize it isn't a fairytale house in Normandy or a glamorous apartment in Paris but we are really REALLY excited.

Paul came home in early November and asked what I thought about moving to Phoenix; less than two months later we are going. Paul will head out in a few weeks and we will follow when the house sells.

I have spent a lot of time in the past few weeks looking at houses and reading up on Phoenix and all the stuff there is to do there.

Here are some Phoenix Fun Facts just for you:

The Phoenix area was inhabited anciently by a large people who built a sophisticated aqueduct system and pueblos but then vanished without any sign of where or why they left.

Phoenix was founded by this guy in the 1850's. His name was Jack Swilling. He and a hired team built 135 miles of canals to irrigate the valley.

The name Phoenix was proposed because the planned city would grow from the ruins of a former civilization.

This is what the Phoenix looked like in 1885. In 1874 the town was broken up into lots and put up for sale. The entire town was worth $500.00

As of last November, Phoenix ranked 7th in the nation for percentages of foreclosures. Sad.

From where we want to live, here are the stats (according to Google Maps).

To San Diego = 320 miles / 5 hours and 18 mins travel time (we hear this road is pretty cop free until we get to California, so we may be able to shave a little time off this one.)

To the Target Distribution Center = 31 miles / 40 mins (45 in traffic)

To St. George = 406 miles (7 hours 27 mins)

To Robin = 619 miles (11 hours)

To the Billings = 152miles (2hours 40 minutes)

Phoenix takes up a larger geographical area than Lost Angeles. I'm not sure why that is important but that was noted on almost every site I looked at.

There is a great hunting dog training school for Betsy.

The University of Arizona will play Utah every year.

All the old people look really happy and carefree, at least they are in all the pictures I see.

The thing that really made the decision for us, and that we are happiest about is that we will be so much closer to family; in fact we will be less than an hour away from Ronni and Becky. I feel like our kids have been kinda gypped not living near cousins so this will be a fun change for them.

Phoenix is going to be great!!

2010-2011

2011-01-02T07:05:00.004-06:00

2010 was a great year.

23rd anniversary
Hung with the Stanley's when Miss Katie arrived
Paul joined the Utah National Guard
We did some major renovations on the house
Gloria was baptized
The Macs and the Richs came for visits
Opened the Quilt Room
Pauly off to college
Made plans for a move west

We have lots of plans for the coming year but I really can't see past March right now so the list is short but very significant.

2011

Get the house ready to sell and everything that includes.
Paul's mission call and everything that that implies.
Move to Phoenix and everything that encompasses.
Learn how to spell Phoenix so I don't have to think about it every time I write it down.
Trip with Regina to NYC.*

*note to self: Call Liz for suggestions on where to go while we are in NYC.

Wish us luck!

I am the boss of what I do and say . . .

2010-12-31T06:42:00.005-06:00

All my life I have made goals and a plan for the coming year. This is one of the things our mother was very consistent about and it is something that I really like. After the rush and silliness of the holidays I am ready to get down to business again. It is a good time for me to take stock in where I have been and where I am now. I can see growth and where more work is needed. It is something that brings me a lot of satisfaction as well as motivation to be better.

In years past I have always focused on the outside; workout more consistently, read unfamiliar books, better housekeeping . . . etc.

This year feels different to me. This year I feel like I need to make some changes on the inside. I want to be kinder and more generous. I want to be more compassionate towards people's difficult situations. I want to be slower to anger. Something else I am working on is to be more assertive. To stand up for myself and not put up with abuse or rudeness; and do it without sarcasm. I want to show more gratitude for those who serve me and love me.

I am ready to start 2011 with a happy attitude and a thankful heart.

Christmas Tree

2010-12-29T05:47:00.006-06:00

Did you know we have a fake Christmas tree? Well, we do and I love it. The first dozen years or so of our marriage we always had a fresh cut tree and I loved that too. Then one day we were at the PX in Hoenfels and I saw such a pretty tree. It was 8 ft tall and a great shape because, of course, it was fake but the best part was the lighting. It was pre-lit with steady twinkle lights, then it had large white glowy C-3 lights and then on top of that there are about 20-30 twinkle lights all over the tree; each one independently blinks, slowly and randomly and adds the perfect twinkly touch.

When I saw it, I happily handed over my insistence on a real tree and a couple hundred dollars for this perfect albeit plastic tree and couldn't get it home fast enough.

I know and appreciate why having a real tree is nice but I like having a fake tree too for a several reasons:

No mess
Pre-lit
Adjustable branches
No extra moolah every year
Fast and easy

I am always happy when it goes up but the last couple of years I have felt a little different about it getting it out. I can't tell if it is looking tired to me or if I am just ready for a change. I really wanted a flocked tree this year and planned on it but between normal holiday busyness and getting the house ready for the appraisers there just wasn't any time time to go and get one so I put my old tree up again . . . and it made me happy . . . again.

I have been keeping my eye out for a new one, hoping I could snag one during the after Christmas sales but I can't find one lit like this. I've looked and looked. I even tried to contact the company that made this one but it no longer exists.

I'm not sure where to go from here so I guess I will box it up again and move it to Phoenix or hope I stumble onto the perfect tree again or maybe I'll try and light one myself next year. What do you think?

When this you see think well of me.

2010-12-19T05:09:00.005-06:00

So I've been working at Rose Path for about a year and a half now. About a year ago a woman named Jean started coming in to take classes and to knit. She had a busy summer so we didn't see her much then but since school started she has been coming in several times a week and has become a very boisterous, giggly, bright and cheery fixture around our shop.

Jean and I and the wrap.

Friday, she had me try on a wrap/scarf she had just finished. After she fussed with it for a minute she stopped and said, "When this you see, think well of me."

It took a second to register that she had just given a gift to me but when it did my emotions came bubbling to the surface. I have kept them under tight control (at least in public) since we found out we will be making a move and I couldn't get a hold of myself. I actually had to go and cry in the bathroom before I could get myself together.

I am going to miss many people here in Lindale, Texas. Thank you Jean.

Dan's Party

2010-12-17T08:16:00.001-06:00

Dan just sent out these invitations. We had fun writing it.

Monochromatic

2010-12-16T06:38:00.006-06:00

I'm not sure why but I always love when something has been created or designed in monochromatic colors. Whether it's a room decor, a flower garden, or a quilt, it always looks good to me.

I have set out many times to plant a monochromatic scheme in my flower garden but I just don't seem to have the discipline to stick with just one color. Blues, yellows, purples, the other colors are just too tempting to me, especially red and I end up with a garden full of lots of different colors which I love. It's just not what I intend.

I guess my love for red is the reason I was able to stay focused when making this quilt.

I paper-pieced the trees using this pattern.
I was already familiar with the pinwheel or peppermint squares; I made a bunch of them on an earlier quilt.
The barber-pole boarder gave me fits. I couldn't find a pattern for it so I experimented until it was the size and angle I wanted. It took several hours of trial and error but I learned a ton and am thrilled with it. It occurred to me later that I could have purchased striped fabric and then cut it on the bias but I don't think I would have been as happy with the final outcome.
I quilted it on my sewing machine with a meander pattern.
I bound it in solid red with mitered corners.

It makes me happy.

I think I am going to try some more monochromatic quilts in 2011.

Books

2010-12-06T05:48:00.006-06:00

This is not my mom's bookcase but I really like it.

My mom has always had a huge book case full of books. Classic books, church books, story books, art books, history books, reference books. Most are hardback and some are were in sets. In the last few years she started arranging them by color. It makes me smile. It was a wonderful thing to grow up with a library like that, and I always planned to duplicate in my own home.

We love to read a lot at our house so we have bookcases in our office and each of the kids bedrooms; they are crammed with books. Books we've read and loved, books that we read once and will never read again, books we don't really like, books the kids read for school, about half are hardback and half are paperback.

As I was going through them all this weekend I told Paul this isn't what I want. I told him that I just wanted one or two bookcases with very specific, good quality books that represent who we are and the things we like to fill our brains with. He liked that idea too.

I took a huge moving box full of mostly children's books and early readers and donated them to the library, then I started making a list of books we love and want copies of. I can't wait to start collecting them.

Lists

2010-11-24T03:16:00.004-06:00

I'm sitting here in my quiet house. The kids aren't up yet and I can't sleep. I tried to watch TV with the hope of falling asleep but I find myself making lists of "to do"s that get my brain going even more. Here's just a taste.

House selling list:

I need to start painting and touch ups.

Will 100 pansies add enough color in the flower bed?

We need to change those door knobs

The realtor said that the house can't ever be clean enough. What does that mean?!?

We need to rent a tiller and get a pretty garden planted.

Christmas list:

Santa, just a little more to do.

Mailing gifts

I hate giving Paul what he asks for. I want to surprise him.

How much decorating do I want to do? Should I wait until after the appraisal?

What activities can we fit in for the kids. I wonder if I can still get tickets to the Nutcracker.

Dan's New Years party is going to be perfect. We still need to get that last XBox.

Moving/New House

I need to organize that attic.

Should we have a garage sale?

I need some boxes.

Should we go with Paul or wait to the end of the school year?

I need a plan for the the kids' new rooms.

Paul's mission list:

Can he take an ideck?

What if the Dr. makes him wait?

Does he need a new set of scriptures?

Where is going to go?

Misc. List:

Sara's running shoes

Betsy's training

Robin's laptop

Anytime Fitness in Phoenix?

Chickens

I am feeling a little overwhelmed. Much of what is running through my head is fun and exciting, some if it is mundane, a little of it, I dread. Of course the actual lists we've made are longer and more detailed but they don't encompass the feelings and thoughts and small tasks that accompany all these changes.

No matter what it all makes me thankful, for a new adventure, a new house, a change. I'm thankful for healthy happy kids who I know will transition without too many tears. I'm thankful for an incredible husband who's hard work and expertise make an opportunities like this possible for us.

All Hail Daniel!!

2010-11-17T05:41:00.003-06:00

Dan is sort of on a roll these days.

1~ This week was Dan's science fair and although he didn't place, we thought his project was incredible. He built this contraption with his dad to measure how much weight an egg could hold. He and I worked and argued about a design to measure this for weeks and never did come up with anything. When Paul took over, he came up with a great design in minutes. Dan came in from the workshop and said, "Dad is so freakin' smart!" They built it and then came in the house to do the testing. (Man! He's beautiful!)

2~ He smoked his dad in a run a couple of weeks ago. Dan ran cross-country this fall but because of conflicts and his lack of interest in racing, he didn't run in any meets. Consequently, he couldn't appreciate how good he had become until he ran with his dad last week. This was the first time he had run the same route with his dad since the summer. Dan had barely been able to finish it then. This time he not only kept up with his dad, he stayed ahead of him much of the time. He walked in the house after the run, looking like he could conquer the world.

Those are the times that I love being a mother. Any of my children's triumphs, large or small, make all the sacrifices; (early mornings, grouchy rides to the track, teenagery complaining) worth it.

3~ Did you know that Dan plays the piano? Well, he does and he also plays the French horn. He started playing 2 years ago with the band at school and has been first chair most of that time. He found out last Friday that he made first chair again for this year. Woot! I recorded him playing when it was brand new to him, he has progressed so fast that it makes us laugh when we watch it and compare him, then and now.

4~ Our stake is part of an eleven stake jubilee that will be performed next June. Below is the audition we recorded for him to be a part of the jubilee orchestra. Now don't hate, the audition isn't perfect but he decided that it was better to play a hard song imperfectly than an easy song perfectly. We'll keep you posted on the audition results results.

Dan is pretty much the most awesome 8th grader we know.

P.S. I was so focused on Dan and his playing that I didn't notice the unswept floor and cluttered counter until I had already sent this off. *Sigh* Will I ever have it all together?

~Please don't answer that.

A Lesson on Wool and Two New Hats

2010-11-14T06:25:00.000-06:00

Did you know that some wool isn't scratchy but super soft? Did you further know that some wool can be washed in a washing machine? It's true. Two little tidbits I have learned working at Rose Path.

The soft wool is called Marino wool. It is a certain kind of sheep and it is wonderfully warm and soft enough for a baby's skin.

The washable wool is called "super-washed yarn". It is a special treatment that removes the tiny scales on the strands of wool. It is those scales that grab and bind and shrink and felt that beautiful sweater, hat or scarf that you thought you could wash and ruined instead.

So if you want soft wool look for the word "Merino"; if you want it washable look for the word "super-washed".

before and after felting

So, I knitted these hats. They were for Paul and Pauly to wear at the Utah-TCU game, but it was 75 degrees at game time this week. No need for a wool hat. Also, I don't think they wanted to be seen as Ute fans after the game.

When I finished the first one it was waaaay too big, so Regina suggested I felt it. That means I just washed it a couple of times, in hot water. I threw some jeans in there too because I don't have an agitator in my washing machine. It looked so good, I made another one.

Familiar

2010-11-09T05:11:00.004-06:00

I love these photos of mormondom.

Spotted on Big Red EP. I was surprised at the emotional reaction I had when I saw these instantly recognizable scenes. These three are my favorites.

De Colores

2010-11-06T05:04:00.003-05:00

Our table was given to us by Donna and John who had used it for 20 years as their kitchen table. It had been given to them by John's parents who had used it as their kitchen table for the previous 20 years. It has been a good sturdy table and has served us well. The chairs we purchased before we went to Germany. We need two more.

I have been thinking about getting a new table for several years now but I'm sick of waiting so this weekend, while Paul was gone to drill I decided we were going to make a change. (why do I always forget to take before pictures?)

The kids got up and I immediately put them to work sanding. For the record, Dan does not like the sound that sand paper makes but he gritted his teeth and did it.

Here is the table. The first color I picked was a lot more yellow and looked terrible against the yellow kitchen walls. I love this!

Here are the chairs and barstools. They have a little more drying to do.

I can't wait to see it all together.

For the record, I still want a new table and chairs but this will satisfy me for a little longer. Even when we do get some new stuff, I think I am going to keep these chairs and barstools for a long time. They make me smile every time I see them.

Dad, The Dodgers and Vin Scully

2010-11-03T06:00:00.000-05:00

This time of year always reminds me of my dad. He loved baseball. I think he would have been happy that the Rangers went to the World Series for the first time ever. He always liked an underdog, but I think he would definitely have rooted for the Giants.

He took us to two or three games every summer. He liked going on "jacket night" or "hat night" so that we went home with something besides a memory. We would go early to get our jackets and would be witness to the stadium filling up. It was exciting.

Dad would keep score on the, program and he would buy us peanuts. I understood the game but hardly watched it; it was boring. What I did like was the crowd. The energy of everyone cheering together. I loved when the organ would play "da-da-da-daaa-da-daaaa" and we would scream, "CHARGE!". I loved singing Take Me Out To The Ballgame.

By the bottom of the 7th inning or so, unless it was really close and exciting, we would leave. I don't know if he hated sitting in lines in the car or what but we would leave early and then listen to Vin Scully announce the rest of the game on the radio.

I think I fell asleep to the sound of Vin Scully's voice more than any other sound in my childhood. Whether we went to the game or not, if the Dodgers were playing and we were in the car, we were listening to the game and Vin Scully. I still recognize him immediately and remember his commercials for Farmer John hot dogs. (I had to look it up to make sure I remembered the brand name correctly. I can't believe I did!)

I heard Vin Scully in an interview recently, just the sound of his voice brought back so many memories; the plastic seats in the VW van, the smell of popcorn and hot dogs in the stadium, being with my dad when he was comfortable and in his element. Those were the best times.

P.S. Mom, do we have any pictures of dad in a Dodgers hat?

Rocker Chick and Artemis the Goddess of the Hunt

2010-10-31T09:18:00.001-05:00

I don't know why but costumes are just horrible to me. I have some sort of block that I have to fight through every year. If I can conquer it, I can't be stopped. I am so creative and know just what touches are needed to make every costume unique and interesting to me and fun and cool for the kids.

Sometimes I can't seem to fight my way through it though, and I am sorry to report that more than once, the night before Halloween has found me digging through the dress-up clothes praying for something that will do, for one or more of my "about to be disappointed" children.

I wrote this about Halloween last year and although I got a late start, I tried really hard to make it fun this year and not give in to the Halloween Scrooge in me.

This was a good year. The girls were happy and satisfied with their costumes. The make up was, without question, their favorite part. We tried false eyelashes but we couldn't get them to stay on. (What's Oprah's secret?) We were all happy with how the costumes ended up, aren't they cute?

Dan had his party Friday night. He and his friends watched I am Legend and ate lots of candy and roasted hot dogs in the fire pit and played football. I loved seeing Dan with his friends, they are all smart and funny and clever just like he is.

Trick or treating was fun. We called it short because the girls were tired and the cold was making their noses run and their eyes water ("Mom, is my mascara running?).

We had Count Chocula for Orthodox Halloween this morning.

I am going to go ahead and call it a success.

Fall Quilt

2010-10-19T08:46:00.006-05:00

I just finished this little table runner for one of the tables at Rose Path. Isn't it pretty? I saw a similar one at a store and I copied it.

Blogging Again?

2010-10-18T19:35:00.015-05:00

Things that have happened since January 14th:

February ~ I got to go to Mendon and stay with my super awesome nephews Ben and Jared while we waited for Miss Katie to be born. I had the privileged of giving her her first bath. Lucky me!

Mom and Roger came home from Russia.

March~ We started tearing down the sweet wood paneling in our living room/entry/library/kitchen. I had been contemplating colors to paint the walls for almost three years so I was ready to go when it was time. The kitchen and library are a mellow yellow. The living room, entry and hallway are a clay and a lighter version of the clay will go in the bedrooms.

More importantly than paint colors, Paul built a closet in the "den" and magically our house changed from a three bedroom to a four bedroom. He's continues to amaze.

Paul became a member of the Utah National Guard ensuring that we won't have eat cat food when we are retired.

April~ Gloria and John came for a visit. (Note to Gloria: They just opened a frozen yogurt place here in Tyler.)

May~ Pauly graduated from Lindale High School. Go Eagles! Go Utes!

June~ I opened The Quilt Room at Rose Path, where I teach lessons and sew and create happy useful things and feel that I am very lucky. Mom and Roger were here a few weeks before I opened my door and I was so thankful for their help as we got everything ready.

Robin came home from BYU to hang out for a couple of months. The day after she flew in Robin, Pauly and I went to Dallas to see Wicked with our friends Regina and Velma. I love that purple wall behind us. The picture was taken at the restaurant where we ate lunch.

It was a breath of fresh air to have our girl breezing through our house again.

July~ Gloria was baptized. It was a happy day, just our little family and a couple of missionaries.

August~ I delivered Pauly to the University of Utah. It was traumatic but not quite as much as when I left Robin the year before. Only because it was such a satisfying thing to watch Robin begin to become her own person. I knew that Paul was beginning his own adventure and I felt more excited for him, than anxious.

September~ Pauly busted his ankle. The bills are just beginning to roll in and, well, all I can say is that he better follow through with his plan to become and orthopedist so he can pay us back.

It has been a challenging, emotional and busy busy year so far. We have much to be thankful for and . . . hmmmm . . . I think I felt a few changes in the wind this morning.